Joy's Journey to Wellness

Getting past the feeling- when the feeling FEELS bigger than you

2009-08-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

During my lifetime (uh- my short lifetime ;) there have been a few things of this existence that I truly love(d) and looked forward to; enjoyed and relished in: Autumn... followed closely by Winter. I am not a Summer person- well, I didn't used to be. The heat and sun and warm air? Ugh. Glowing, perspiring and just down-right sweating? Hmmm. But I looked forward to the last two seasons of the year not simply because I detested the warm months- but because I simply and wholeheartedly appreciated the entire Fall experience.

The cool, crisp air; leaves changing and falling to the ground; rain, thunder, lightening! [LOL] I know- I'm probably in the minority on that one but I just couldn't help myself. Why to see the sky darken and the wind pick-up? Are you kidding? I was in Heaven! The entire time Autumn made itself known- I made myself known to Autumn. Lived in it and savored every raindrop of it.

Gosh- Winter wasn't as fulfilling- uh- hmmm- yeah; whatever- fulfilling as the Fall was but I had no issue with the cold or snow (since it was the opposite of the heat and sun of Summer time). I always felt and said [with conviction] that you can always pile the clothes on for winter but there is a limit to the clothes you can take off for summer... yes there is.

And then one day all of my fun and happy memories were altered. My excitement for the changing of the weather turned to apprehension. My love for the last months of the year became dread- even hate. What in the world happened to cause such a 380 degree turn-around you might ask? Oh. No one asked? So what- you're already here; you might as well listen.

It was the (lowering voice to a hushed whisper) horrible and life-altering experience of going through a prescription medication withdrawal. Uh-huh. More than once. But then that is part of a different entry. Feel free to read the gory details here, here or here! [wink]

But back to how THAT effected my feelings of love for this time of the year- the time we are now approaching. Have you ever been in a car crash or wreck? Or perhaps something similarly traumatic? And for a long time- maybe indefinitely- whenever you come to that place or a near miss; you experience that moment of the original mishap or tragedy...

My exposure to the falls and pits of going 'cold turkey' from prescription drugs took place during a dark, windy and rainy day during Fall. But try as I have- I cannot help but become anxious and apprehensive as soon as the season of my discontent approaches. Its sad and pathetic and weak- and I know it. Logically I know that just because the air feels the same as it did the day I crashed (either time- take your pick) that the same thing will [hopefully] not happen again- but my emotions seem to take over. I no longer wait with expectation for the leaves to turn color or the days to get shorter. I become irritable and edgy... how can you tell? [LOL] I'm not smiling!

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying I'm giving up- only that we are entering in a part of the year that is now very difficult for me... and with all of the pushing and pressing and struggling to keep on keeping on; I see this as an added battle to my already constant waging war. Just say a pray for me in dealing with this; me and anyone- everyone else who shares a similar test/trial. We know- I know- that God is El Shaddai (the God who is more than enough) and somehow, some way we'll all make it through... and so I say Hooah!

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Who are you: and where is Joy?

2009-08-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing to complain about

2009-08-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

Recently I did what I said I would never do... I joined FaceBook.

But I did it in hopes of connecting with someone very specific who basically has whatever it is that I have (you know... same symptoms, issues, etc) and wanted to, uh- network? [LOL] But when I did I found old friends whom I hadn't seen in (lets just say) a few years. That was fun and a surprise- but sadly I found someone that I hadn't seen in only a few years- a young man.

When I was well and healthy and active I taught Sunday School forever and this little guy was in my class, my kids choir and I watched him grow-up. Little guy? He is not so little any more. He was a gorgeous child with a dark complexion, biggest brown eyes and always a smile... mostly because he was also mischievous! [wink] A heart-breaker waiting to happen.

The last time I saw him he was filled-out and sporting some pretty intimidating dread-locks [LOL]. But the big guy gave me a hug when he saw me.

Only today we connected on FB and my heart broke. Not because he still has the dazzling smile and killer eyes- but because that little fellow that loved my class as a child is a young man; a soldier in Iraq.

And I just kept looking at the photos he has/is posting on his page from there and thinking of all he has to be going through; all he has seen; all he has done and my thought was you (Joy) have nothing to complain about.

No- it's true. I do have much to deal with; more than some and less than others. But this young man and so many other young and old men and women are elsewhere in the world facing physical enemies; facing physical wars. The enemy I face; the war I am in is physical as well- but there are no guns, bombs and tanks involved. The battle I have takes place in my mind. I fight to overcome the pain and disability. The battle he is facing involves his very life... as well as others that are with him.

I am not thankful for my battle or struggles- but I am thankful that I know where I will lay my head this night. I know that when I wake up my family is here and close. That breakfast has been served and lunch prepared and dinner will take place later. I know that I don't worry about whether or not an enemy will cause harm or death in my home or that I will have to evacuate at any time. I have so much to be thankful for and little to complain about. Just my health- that is all; and I remind myself that the same God that I go to and depend on to help me through this battle is the same God who watches over those who are facing war in Iraq... El Shaddai, the God who is more than enough; and I say thank you God. Thank you.

Dear God,

You are so good and so wonderful. I appreciate your protective presence and look for the warmth of your Word. I ask that you continue to be with those in this world who are facing battles on everyday; battles with man and battles with the flesh. Give us all encouragement, guidance and reassurance in dealing with the enemies that are placed in our path that you are well able to carry us through.

I give thanks for your mercy, love, salvation and hope.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Uphill Battle

2009-08-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

The last 2 days have been my worst in months. My body is past expression of pain. There is also the burning in legs and feet. Muscle tension headache today. Am depending on spell/grammar check today.

Last night feelings hurt over having to stay in bed. Talked to myself about fighting. Get up. Get up and fight this. But body could not. Today same. Worse though. Actually scream inside my head because pain is everywhere and severe.

But thought came that I am still fighting. Haven't given up. Sometimes the fight is from the bed. As long as I am not willingly laying here I am still in the battle. I don't accept that it is over. I am still in the battle.

Sometimes the battle is uphill. That is the hardest part but that also means that I am heading upward and the top is in sight.

I did not choose this path.
I did not choose this battle.
I did not choose this journey.
I did not choose this fight for my life.

But I do choose to win.

Joy

When the Dynamics are shaken

2009-07-31T20:31:00.000-07:00

You know- snow globes are amazing. They are pretty and interesting; they can portray humor or intrigue. They have no other function other than perhaps include a music box, but to view and enjoy. The thing about snow globes is that in order to truly appreciate them you have to pick it up and shake it. Then- that is where the beauty of the snow globe comes into play. The tiny white reflective crystals spin and turn, continually falling back to the bottom. Doing this never hurts, disrupts or otherwise takes away from the wonder of the snow globe. Why? Because every single white or silver shaving within the globe is the same as the next one and the one before it. It doesn't matter where one particular flake falls because they all have and do the same thing.

Life should be so lucky!

Unfortunately when an individual becomes ill for long-term, the dynamics of that persons infrastructure become shaken- and what occurs is seldom as wondrous as the beauty of a snow globe.

Validation Anyone?

2009-07-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Patient: Hey Doc, I've gotta problem and wondered if you could help me.

Doctor: I'll do my best- what's the problem?

Patient: It's my elbow, Doc.

Doctor: What about your elbow?

Patient: Well- when ever I do 'this' (bending arm for the Doctor) it hurts like heck!

Doctor exams patients arm

Doctor: Oh, I see. I know exactly what to do about that.

Patient: Yeah? What?

Doctor: Don't do that.

Don't cha' just love a horrible joke? [LOL] But don't cha' also wish it were all THAT easy? Just don't do that- you'll be fine!

Alas, life is generally more complicated and (in my experience) less informative... at least where diagnostics are concerned. Searching for answers and staying, um... positive- can be a work all its own!

Mystery Diagnosis

House

Two programs I enjoy for similar reasons. The first one (MD) is about real-life situations in which someone is suffering or ill and either have yet to be diagnosed or have been misdiagnosed. The other (House) is fiction- but the storyline is about people who have odd, weird or a combination of symptoms and the Doc eventually figures out what the problem is.

Wishing there were such a Doc like 'Gregory House' in my area; wishing there were a way a Doc could stumble upon what is making me hurt. Hurt. That's an understatement; but sufficient.

Maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed if I hadn't put all my eggs in one big basket. *sigh* But, I did. After hoping and waiting and answering questions and filling out papers and talking on the phone and hoping and waiting...

I got my answer from the Docs (I should say DOC) that was supposed to figure it all out and open the door to a cure; or at least a less painful life. The answer? No answer. None. Yup- and yes, I cried (hard... and long). But- you can cry only so long before it just seems a waste of time and makes it seem worse.

So- I talked to my family, to a friend; prayed and did what I've been doing for the last- uh, several years? I moved on, figuratively any way and just continued with the/my journey.

I continue to write and journal. I continue to hope and pray. I continue to encourage myself and others. I continue to live. Hooah.

Appreciation

2009-07-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

I want to share something. Yesterday I got into the shower/tub and actually stood for a shower; didn't use my shower-chair. HOOAH! I will confess it was most likely the shortest shower in recent history... but a standing shower, nonetheless. And- while I was standing (those few seconds LOL) I thought to myself, "How nice. How nice to stand in the shower; even for a few moments and wash- like the good ole days."

When someone is healthy or has little to no mobility problems, you can take a lot of things for granted; miss them when they are gone; appreciate them when they return. Standing for the shower, getting in the tub (period), shopping for your own clothes, shopping for your own food, window shopping, rides in the country, going to the library, going to church, going out of the house- leaving your room.

I'm thankful- so- very- thankful for all of the accomplishments God has allowed me and helped me to make in the past... uh- wait a minute; I think it's time for an official count. WOW- it is day 238 of my journey! My how time flies... when you're struggling! [LOL] Just kidding. The entire journey hasn't been a struggle- just seems that way [wink]. But the two phrases that I like to repeat (as often as I can) are: Through pain comes growth and If it is worth having; it's worth fighting for. And we are in a fight; the good fight of faith. And I remember often that someone recently told me/reminded me, that it is called the good fight... because we win.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

The unexpected: don't let it catch you off guard

2009-07-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

It never fails- you're in your finest Sunday best; shoes, dress, frills, ribbons- even hat; a regular retro-Easter parade in the making! The sun is shining, the air crisp and not a cloud in the sky. You have planned for weeks for this moment and your skin is clear while flushed with a hint of excitement and in just a few moments you'll have this solemn occasion frozen in time with the help of an experienced, albeit weary photographer, an antique white bench and a hand-made basket filled with colors and wonders of the season. What could go wrong?

Your relatives are looking on with pride and enthusiasm as the last grandchild has his photo taken for the family affair and as your turn has arrived you begin to make your way toward the spot where the lasting memory will take place. Walking toward the beautiful, white bench with delicate designs carved into the old wood, you are careful to brush against nothing; cautious that you not walk on or through object, soil or debris as to protect the image that you so carefully and painstakingly created that day.

With the ease and grace of a noble-woman you set carefully upon the bench in what could be described as photogenic dignity. At first both gloved hands are resting around the top of the basket and you opt to place on flat on the bench seat beside you for a more 'natural' look and at the exact moment you present the perfect smile that has had more practice than you care to admit- you feel that something is wrong. Um- do you remain still, as if all is fine? Do you startle the photographer who has already earned every penny of his fee today and then some? And just as you think you have time to inspect and discover the cause of your unrest... the man behind the camera says "Hold it" and click. Of course your face does not have a smile on it at that point. But a memory has definitely been created; for good or bad. As the remainder of your family who witnesses the entire scene gather about the man and request a re-take, (or as a third-cousin is shouting over and over, "Do over! Do over!), you can hear the frazzled photographer explaining from where you are still sitting that that, unfortunately, was his last shot without having to return to his office and return. You would like to blame him but how can you? He never planned to photograph such a large group and simply didn't bring enough film with him.

As you gather your wits about you (and hopefully some composer) and try to pretend that you are not bothered by what just happened and attempt to put everyone else's minds at rest; you know that deep down you not only regret what just occurred but wonder as well if you'll ever live this down.

And now- we wait...
We are counting the days down until the final products are finished and delivered.

The day arrives when each household receives their pre-ordered portrait packages of the event and with nervous and apprehensive fingers you pull the sticky tab back to open the large mailing envelope to spill out its contents on the dining table. At first its such a dazzling sight that for a moment you forget the impending doom that is about to beset you. Photographs of parents and children, aunts and uncles, family scenes and individual themes- all bright and colorful and the perfect reflection of the days festivities.

Then you see it. How could you miss it? Large, bright and just as rich as the shots that preceded it. It's you. Your photo; and there you are- sitting on that pretty little bench; dressed to beat the band and the photographer, thinking you were going to retain the pose for posterity... not realizing there was a problem; snapped the shot at the exact moment that you brought your hand up off of the bench- bringing the stringing, warm, blue gum all the way from the seat to mid-air; grimacing all the way in shock, distaste and embarrassment. Lord- don't you just love little boys!

What do you know? I guess nothing is perfect and I was sure that at least something in life had to be! But evidently even the best laid plans can fall through the ceiling and apparently what should be the simplest, hitch-free activity can turn into a sticky, blue, gooey mess!

That is how I felt this week... in theory that is [LOL]. When you think that all is good; all is well; got a handle on most of it and you discover that all is not good, not well and if you did have a handle on it, it broke off and is laying on the floor somewhere- probably rolled and is under something- hiding. Darn handle!

I'm not going to go into details or elaborate on the particulars of the bomb that exploded in my lap this week- in the form of one of life's (little) catastrophes. Suffice to say that when the dust settled and the damage report complete and in- I had not gained a victory. And- with the entrance of this new dilemma came total body breakdown for 'me' as a result of the stress the situation brought about. In addition to the 'physical' side that I began to deal with ... the new stuff, or bigger/more painful stuff (whatever) I felt like I was in a tunnel or under a bridge. Sight limited to what is in front of me and shoulders sagging under the pressure and strain of the additional weights that came with the newly arrived stress (stress is never underweight either- sitting atop the shoulders;;; where is the help or break supposed to come from.=?

No. I'm still not back to where I was prior to this- uh, problem.... but- I'm better than a few days ago!

I want to share something special, sweet... wonderful. [LOL] Yup- even with the household turned upside down and questions still in the air- something nice happened.

As I was suffocating under the strain of the current issues and trying to gain my bearings I was able to post a request for prayer on the pain forum I belong to. Again- I didn't give details but simply that I needed prayer specific to making decisions concerning a disaster at hand; that I needed guidance and a direction; that I was empty of all of the above. My body was turning the stress into pure pain and tearing my body even more than usual. I kept trying to 'calm' my own self but nothing was working.

Then it happened. I was hit by an idea- actually dropped in my head, as if from nowhere. A solution; a plan- a possibility. The idea was really a good one and one I (obviously) hadn't come up with previously. As quick as the concept came to me, I simultaneously thought to myself, "The sisters have prayed- and God has answered." As a result of the issues, I had felt like I was heading through a tunnel. Darkness all around and the confined space pressing me down. When the guidance I needed came to me- it was like a light; bright and surrounding me; enveloping me and the heaviness gone in the same moment.

Now- it will take some time for my family to follow through with the guidelines and the new project but will not only be doable- but make life in my family/household better than before the dam busted. Isn't God good? Isn't God wonderful? And isn't prayer... um- terrific? [wink]

So, life turned upside down but God is in the process of spinning it back into place. When life hands you a lemon... don't waste time making lemon-aid. Leave the beverage making to someone else. Pray- seek God- he is faithful to answer. Thank you God. Thank you. He is El Shaddai, the God who is more, MORE than enough!

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Facing your demons

2009-07-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength. ~August Wilson

Facing your inner demons...

The words can bring a variety of images to the mind depending on the hearer of these words; but one thing can be agreed upon- the images are not pleasant.

For me, when I think of the phrase "facing your inner demons" I'm not contemplating the idea that there are actual demons inside of me; but more of the personal challenges and conflicts that I face- that perhaps someone else does not; or maybe even dealing with or facing past truths that weren't so... pleasant. I don't know.

Either way- it conjures up (for me, that is) thoughts of inner and personal struggle, battle or survival. Conflicts and issues; battlefield of the mind; victories and defeat... all on a very personal or intimate level.

OMGosh- don't you just hate the serious tone that was just set? Okay... bringing it down a notch or two; um, or maybe I should say bringing it up. I guess I want to say that when facing those problems that try to bind or keep us down, that we shouldn't- um, I don't want to; have to fight those same enemies over and over, day after day. I mean- when and how do you know when you have finally defeated them? Surely it can't go on forEVER!

Argh! Things I can't stand; things I have to face, head on and arm-wrestle with CONSTANTLY:

The alarm that tells me its time to take my meds at 9 A.M.
The alarm that tells me its time to take my meds at 9 P.M.
Swallowing a mouth full of medicine.
Turning the lights out at night; not knowing if my body will let me sleep.
Opening my eyes in the morning; wondering if I'll be able to get out of bed that day.
Knowing that the sun is shining outside and my body telling me it can't make the short trip to the backyard.
My body telling me I'm not hungry; my mind telling me I need to eat.
Feeling guilt because the house needs attending; my body protesting any attempt to do so.
Sitting up, turning, bringing legs and feet off the bed to rest on the floor; waiting for my muscles to calm themselves; the pains to subside to a functioning level.
Being sick, in pain and no longer active, vital and free- truly free.
Being the type to be gregarious; knowing the opportunities to release that energy, urge- desire simply no longer presents itself... because you are home bound; confined to bed.

Now... those are just a few of the winged assailants that fill my mind with barricades and obstructions- blocking my way to see past the obstacles preventing me from finding and realizing a solution.

Daily I experience this apprehension- as if something were missing. That feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something. That there is an event, activity, appointment- opportunity of some kind that is about to happen... but never does. It's most frustrating. I honestly do not know if it is simply a side-effect of one or more prescriptions I'm taking that causes this mental sensation or the fact that life was once filled every minute of the day with little to no time for relaxing and its hard for my psyche to absorb this and reverse to a complete stop; despite how long I've been going down this path. I guess that remains to be seen.

Its like missing someone- a person; despite the fact that physically they are there- with you. My Dad. My sweet little Dad. He is gone now; left us for a greater place, free from sickness and pain... about 3 1/2 years ago. Prior to the first stroke he was (being honest) gruff, distant, hard and absent (due to working nights/sleeping days) throughout mine and my sibling's childhood. He did have his moments of fun, corny jokes and story-telling; which is most likely were I get my gift for lengthy colloquy... from him! [LOL]

Anyway- after the first stroke, my Dad was limited to use of a wheelchair and on a good moment he could use a walker, although that part didn't last too long. But he mellowed and laughed and enjoyed everything around him. We helped set him up a nice apartment at a little retirement village where he made friends and played cards on a regular basis. I actually could talk with him and he listened and responded. He began to attend church services with me and there was a sweet, teddy bear thing going on with him. We enjoyed his company and had finally established a true Father / Daughter and Son relationships.

Pop's favorite (corny) joke:

Question: "What did the farmer say when he saw his cow coming over the hill?"
Answer: "Here comes my cow."

Question: "What did the farmer say when he saw his cow coming over the hill in sunglasses?
Answer: "Nothing. He didn't recognize him."

Then... several more strokes later and he changed again. His condition took away more than just his physical independence- his speech, his mind, his memories; all were affected significantly. But it took away HIM- who he was; who he had become to each of us. There he was- Dad... but not Dad. I can't tell you how many times I would leave him and just cry because I missed "my Dad," I missed my Pops- the Dad I had come to know and grew to love and wanted to protect and share life with.

And although my situation is not the same- the feeling of incompleteness; unfulfilled purpose are the same. Pops was physically with me... but no longer acting, talking or remembering like Pops; hence I missed my Dad long before he was actually gone.

A lot of times that is how I feel now- about me and what is going on here. I'm here (obviously) but I'm not... not the Joy that used to be here- not even close; like the essence of who I was is gone and I'm left with this... reflection. A reflection that is limited in mobility, overwhelmed by pain and held back by fatigue. And YUCK! Who wants to meet someone like that- let alone be that person?!

Thus... the inner demons, the battlefield of the mind and the wrestling. Oh how I hate them. The 'demons' that is. But no- I rarely, if ever (since beginning my journey to wellness, that is) give in to them. I use all I have within me to fight them.

Why is it that giving up/in is SOOOOO easy? While trying to accomplish something in way of combating and resisting is SOOOOOO hard? [wink] Oh, yeah- I am NOT going to say that struggling to overcome the tests or strife that are before us is easy. Why lie? Yes. The Bible does say that, "With God all things are possible to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." Uh, yes- I also recall mentioning many times that I believe that God is El Shaddai (the God who is more than enough).

However, I realize that this thought process is going to be contrary to many other belief systems; but God never promised it would be easy... He promised He would be with us- when it wasn't easy.

And so I persevere and endeavor and all those other words Eleanor Roosevelt enjoyed tossing around! I fight... I fight. It is and would be easy to let those personal, inner demons take over and just lay back and watch for the end of the movie. But where is the victory in that? Where is the personal challenge and thus, personal victory? Where is the satisfaction in knowing that your day or life could have went this one direction, but you (I, me) rallied and fought back and thus changed the outcome... defeated the personal demons that haunt us.

Sure- the cellphone alarm sounds off at 9A and 9P and sometimes catches me off-guard (despite this being an ongoing occurrence) and I inwardly shriek... but I kick in, give a groan ('cause I can) and swallow those horrible little reminders of my condition. Then- I let it go and forget about it... uh- until it chimes out again. [LOL]

When I turn the light out and pull the cover up to my chin (or chins- depending on how I'm holding my head); yes- the voices of defeat begin to call out... loudly. But I remind myself that for the last several, SEVERAL months- that once I turn the light out and pray and prepare to sleep- that sleep has blessedly, blessedly come quickly; and the voices have very little time indeed to work that particular agenda.

For each inner demon that I come up against- I fight; I stand (figuratively that is) and pull whatever resources, strength and stubborn wherewithal I have left in me and although it may become a literal wrestling match between me, myself and I... regardless of the loser: I know that somewhere in there... I'm still going to win [LOL]. God is so good- he knows I could never do this on my own- and I never feel as if I am totally alone. If the negative words come to me telling me otherwise, that is when I close my eyes and call on Jesus... he always answers. I just love him.

And so.... I end with a quote- as I began this entry with a quote. I hope it helps, feeds and encourages you as it does me.

No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.
~ George Chakiris

Even when...

2009-07-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

Even when I feel as though my entire body is on fire or screaming from every region in pain...
I'm going to get up; even if it takes all day.

Even when the thought of washing and changing from pajamas to everyday wear makes me cringe because I know it is going to be difficult and painful...
I'm going to follow through with it; no matter how long it takes.

Even when my fingers ache and fumble while trying to type...
I'll work on my journal and use spell and grammar check later.

Even when my focus is low and concentration is a battle...
I'll give input into the family day; my family loves and understands me.

Even when my mind is filled with doubt or the voices of depression tell me there is no reason to try and no reason to hope...
I'll bring up- from deep within what God has given me and remember that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Even when I feel as if I'm alone in what I'm going through...
I'll remind myself that I am not unique in struggle, strife or test; that Christ also suffered and did so for me and others- that we would find peace and hope.

Even when I'm not hungry and feel like food is the last thing I want...
I'll make myself eat something and know that I'm working toward a goal of healing and health.

Even when I feel like I don't want to be bothered; because its one of those days that is all about me...
I'll be sure to show and share love in some way with those who are around me.

Encouragement
Victorious
Enlightened
Nobel
*
Wise
Heartfelt
Energetic
Nurturing

Even when...

What stands up- sometimes falls down

2009-07-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

... our story begins:

The room is fairly dark at this point- only the light from the TV with the sound turned off; casting a fine, blue glow through-out the room. Laying next to me is my hubby. He is sound asleep; a 13-hour work day pushing him fast into a deep, sound slumber. The house is quiet. You wouldn't guess that hidden in the dark are children and pups; they as well given in long ago to the night calls of the Sandman and are dreaming, sighing and in some cases snoring softly to dusk's rhythm.

And then it hits me, the call of the wild. Well, not the wild- more like the farm... dairy farm. I want a glass of chocolate milk. [LOL] I know it seems an odd time for some choco-boco but it is my habit to have a bit before I sleep and I did not have it earlier. I don't want to wake anyone just for a night-time sweet tooth so I quickly assess my physical condition. Mmmm- not too bad... I think I can make it to the Kitchen and back.

Deciding that I will walk and not use my wheel-chair as that seems to be the quieter mode of transportation; I sit up on the side of the bed and slip my feet into my faithfully ready sandals I keep there for, uh- just such an occasion. Making my way out of the Bedroom, through the Family Room, down the Hall and into the Kitchen I use various pieces of furniture, doorways and walls to help steady myself and give me the added support I need.

So far- so good. Open cabinet and grab small glass: check. Open refrigerator and look at milk container. Not much so its light enough to pick-up... grab milk container: check. Looking at the container of milk I can see there is probably enough milk for my choco-boco and either another 1/2 serving of the same or perhaps a bowl of cereal for someone in the morning with breakfast. Hmmm... I actually debate the issue. Do I save the extra milk for someone else? or- do I greedily claim the remaining and coveted milk for... myself? [LOL] As I make my decision and pour the entire contents into the larger glass I have just placed on the table, I realize I am beginning to show signs of standing too long and decide to lean my body against the kitchen table as well as use my left hand to help support my upper body. Shouldn't be a problem- right?

***Let me input a little info here before we continue with our exciting saga. Some of you may or may not know that my children each have issues they/we deal with; some more than others. My youngest has some specific issues as a result of Frontal-Lobe damage. So... unknown to me he had loosened and removed every screw that held together and supported the frame and legs of the table. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program***

It all takes place in such a manner that I literally have no time to even respond, react or prevent the inevitable. One moment I am sitting the empty milk container back on the table and the next I am reeling in pain as I lay, sprawled across the one-half of the table that crashed to the floor. Milk now covers me, the table and the floor as I try to grasp what has just happened. Funny how random thoughts crowd in at once when accidents such as this happen. Things like: "If that boy of mine has anything to do with this- I'm going to kill him!" and "Why do I have these kid?!"

[LOL] No need to worry on their behalf. Not only did I allow all minors of my household to live- each one escaped unscathed... those who knew the offense had taken place and the one who committed the offense.

Despite the obvious noise created by the mishap- the entire house continues to sleep through out. Most likely thanks to the air-conditioners and closed doors. I call out, "Help, Missy!" My oldest child's bedroom is be the closest and likely quicker responder as my other daughter couldn't be wakened even if I had fallen on her! Now Missy doesn't sleep alone- she has a little undersized, four year old Bichon Frise with her, named Aspen... and he alone hears my cries of distress- air conditioners, closed doors and all.

The once quiet night is now filled with the tiny, high-pitched barks of Aspen alerting his Mom that something is wrong. Now I can hear Missy from her bedroom yelling, "What? Whats wrong? Mom?" She runs out of her room (Aspen following) and upon surveying the scene quickly runs to my bedroom and dutifully notifies my hubby that there has been an accident. Out runs my hubby, still half-asleep and... uh- lets see; how can I describe this? Has a cow. Yeah- he is actually having a cow that I've not only got up in the (alleged) middle of the night but that I've hurt myself. Why is it that before any help can be given- almost always a lecture precedes it? [LOL]

Any way- the (funny) worse part of it all (to me) isn't that I have fallen and probably set myself up for several days of additional pain. Sure- that is a real bummer... but once I'm up and looking at the damage, the only thought that comes to me at that point is, "I shouldn't have used all the milk."

I'm laying here in my bed and now included in the pains that are my norm- I feel as though I've broken my back! [LOL] I know it's not broken... um- I hope not; but it feels like its broke.

What a disappointing end to a late trip to the kitchen for a little comfort food. Well- in this case a little comfort drink! Which reminds me: who exactly is Murphy and why is his philosophy not only a Law, but... um- catchy? And then there is Newton's Law. Now this guy definitely has it out for me!

So what now? Well- I give my body time to 'heal' from the sudden meeting of the floor and my face! I get a good nights sleep (what's left of it) and I don't give up, I don't give in and I don't let this get to me. As I snuggle in under my covers and close my eyes, I thank God that my family is here to help me... and I let escape from my lips a small, barely audible word: hooah.

Never- I'll die with my boots on!

2009-06-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

*begins with a sigh*

I'm no hero. I'm not bigger, better or braver than anyone else. In the grand scheme of things my footprint on this earth will probably not even be noticed. Sure- I am like most... I'd like to think I've done something in my lifetime that would change, effect or affect the way life is after my death. But at this point in my life I don't see that happening. But even with all of that said;

I
won't
give
up

I won't.

And sure... the thought of why are you fighting, struggling, pushing, pressing- trying over and over again? comes to my mind almost every day- if not everyday. But I can't give in to that thought. Too much is as risk.

My circumstances involve my health but everyone is undergoing personal struggles of some kind. Everyone. The only difference is the struggle its self. All over the world there are people who are sick, ill, hurting; in pain or dying. That is their fight, their struggle or test.

But just as equally there are people right now fighting to keep a home and a place to live. There are men and women who are in actual combat and fighting in wars. They can't give up. There are children in third-world countries who struggle daily to find food for large families and walk miles for water. They can't give up.

So many individuals that exist instead of live and are fighting depression, anxiety and fear. Families looking for lost children, missing loved-ones... they can't give up.

For every battle or struggle there is a price that would come from willingly surrendering and ceasing to fight to win or overcome. In every persons life there is something that they are working to achieve; striving to attain; hoping to gain. And in each of those circumstances- to give up would be to not only admit defeat but withhold from ourselves and even our families the presence of peace, security, shelter and possibly life.

Me? If I gave up today- you know- trying... it would affect my family and those who are close to me very deeply. I wouldn't just be hurting myself- but those that are important to me. Giving up is seldom a solitary consequence. In fact- it becomes something more along the lines of solidarity: what affects one will surely affect all. There will always be casualties that are left behind. What about you? Think of those who love you, depend on you- need you. If you gave up on your struggle, how would that affect them?

I don't know all of the answers but I do know that more important than the issues and problems we face- are the people that we are facing them with. And what about you? me? us? Aren't we important? Yeah, we are. So giving up would be letting 'us' down. We are (everyone of us) important and valuable. God said so- He loves us- and wants to help us. He wants the best for us. Sometimes it may be hard to swallow but life is full of ups and downs. And like a little song from Disney's "animated" Robin Hood... sometimes the ups outnumber the downs. Life is NOT smooth sailing. There are going to be some gale winds- even hurricanes but that doesn't mean it will never be calm. Prepare for the storm; enjoy the calm and continue to live.

I know- I'm rambling. I'm (trying to) encouraging myself as well as others... I hope so any way. But before I began my journey I just took whatever the day gave me and didn't try for anything more or better. I didn't fight to get out of the bed. I didn't plan on another year or even a day. I wasn't participating... I was existing- that's all. And its true- my life can hardly be compared to someone who is full of health, energy or vigor BUT- I am living. I'm alive. I'm fighting. When my body is past pain comprehension- I still keep trying to get something from the day. And more than that- I try... I do- to give something to the day. And that is all we can ask, isn't it? Is that we continue and try. Not give up- not give in. Stand and fight and if we must die- that we go with our boots on.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Upon reflection

2009-06-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

I had just started entering a new post when I had what I consider(ed) some personal news that was... devastating to me. You know? The kind of news you hate hearing after dealing with a chronic and/or invisible illness for... uh- EVER. I said to myself I can't finish this post. I can't continue with the thought or mood that was upon me when I first began to work on this one. But earlier I spoke with someone who told me I help and encourage others with my journal. I started feeling bad and although I will share with you what is going on... I just won't be doing it today. Instead- we lift each other up. Holding my chin up- what there is of it... and moving on.

~~~~~~~~~~

I was laying- pitifully in my bed. I've been here ALL DAY. Well... that isn't exactly true. I did try and attempt some type of normalcy several times today and get up and away from my bed- but it wasn't to be.

And I looked over at the clock and the time was 9:00 pm and the fact that the day was pretty much officially over made me reflect on my day. And? I said within myself "Today really sucked!"

LOL. I know- strong language [wink] but that is how I felt. Before I go further though, let me explain just how I got here and why I am feeling so... um- bad?

Yesterday was a big day. All of my Mom's children and their families were here- including my brother and his wife and sons, who flew in from Massachusetts. So we had a Father's Day, Family Reunion, Welcome Back Wing-Ding all-in-one! (Wing-Ding-does anyone use that term anymore? Hmmm)

I woke up and as usual I felt pain. But I pushed myself up and got cleaned up and dressed and went with my hubby and kids (and one dog... other furbabies were less fortunate that day and stayed home) to be a part of the fun, food and family.

So we got there and what a blast. I had my electric wheels and so I waited on no one and when not riding, I was sitting in a comfy, over-stuffed lawn chair. We ate and watched kids play. Oh- six boy cousins and two girls... LOL- we hadn't realized we were so testosterone heavy in the grandbaby department! Big pool full of boys most under four-foot tall and my two girls; but I love watching kids play. I always have. Something... I don't know- soothing about it. A child playing and pretending and enjoying such a simple time of life. Ah- C'est la vie (that's life).

But normally I would stay an hour-mmm, two at the MOST at any function. But my body was 'mostly' cooperating and I was actually sitting in the midst of my siblings and their partners and talking about everything and nothing and I just didn't want to stop.

** Inserted here: Please use common sense when dealing with chronic-illness/pain. Too much of a good thing... can be bad.

I stopped ignoring the messages and alerts my body was sending and called it a day after a four-hour period. A milestone for visits and outings where I'm concerned. But with growth comes pain. As they began loading me up into the van and I slowly came down from my festive adrenalin rush... those messages and alerts were more than just that. They were full-sized billboards of information and and newsflashes of critical illness propaganda- neon lights and all!

But I digress. Me and my brood went home- talked for a few about the day and went our own ways to 'basically' crash. Um- they went to their rooms to crash. I barely made it to my bed in what could be described more like a crack-up followed closely by a disintegration of important equipment and tools. Like when the plane comes down and tries to land the aircraft without the wheels!

Throughout the night the pains, aches and torturous feelings only increased until I had literally lain awake all night, unable to sleep because of the muscle-spasms and sharp, driving pains in my upper-back. Not meaning (really) to complain here... just stating what happened.

The day didn't get any better- health wise, that is. WHICH brings me to my earlier statement "Today really sucked!"

Ah- but as is the usual in my case- I rethought that statement and reflected on the day- again... and immediately the thought "it wasn't so bad" came to my mind.

True- I wasn't able to even tolerate sitting up, the pain was so severe but my whole family came in and lay down with me to watch a movie on my laptop. And so there we were: me, hubby, kids, pups- the whole house watching 'The Secret of NIHM' and that- was- nice. How could I call a day a washout (no matter how bad I felt/feel) when such a memory was created on that same day?

--->> Interesting trivia inserted here. Several, several, SEVERAL years ago while I was still a healthy and active person- one of my goody/benefits I enjoyed was traveling several times a year for additional training, conferences and so-on. During one of these dream details I was registered at the Ritz Carlton in St. Louis, MO and none other than Dom DeLuise was there at the same hotel, just a floor above me. In the Gift Store we accidentally bumped elbows and every hayseed, corncob and Midwestern instinct (that I thought was buried way deep) came foward in a gush in the form of pulic display... you know? The kind you read about in the newspaper- check the photo; it was probably me! [LOL] I bring this up for a couple of reasons; one- Dom DeLuise was the voice of the crow in the film "Secret of NIHM" and two... 'cause it's just such a great re-tailing! But I'm sure he never forgot me. I was the one standing toward the side, holding my elbow and practically screaming DOM DELUISE! ITS DOM DELUISE!

Oh well- we all have those moments in our lives that we are a little less, umm- proud of -HA HA HA] But this isn't one of mine... hey! It was DOM DELUISE! DOM DELUISE!

-->> Returning to our story now

So what is my point? Ah- I don't know. [LOL] I guess maybe my point is that sometimes even when its bad or we're going through a bad time... there is always something good to find about the day. There is always a moment (even through the pain, illness, depression- whatever) that something- something good happened; when something nice took place; a moment that took your mind off of the tests and trials- even if it literally is for a moment.

And then I was sorry- repentant- because I had had some good moments and could NOT say my day sucked. Sure... it was a day spent in bed, but I did get up two times if only briefly and I did enjoy time with my family. So there is still rainbows after the rain and there is still light reflecting from the moon on the darkest nights... and God is still- good and the blessings are still there; just might have to dust them off a bit before you can truly appreciate the hope and favor that come from them- the gifts of God.

Kind of like a Search-n-Find. At first glance the images on the game sheet may simply look like any other drawing, scenery, landscape, etc... It isn't until you stare, meditate and reflect on each piece of the picture that you can find little goodies and surprises hidden within the rest of the artwork. Maybe when our day; your day; my day- is not what we would have liked it to have been- we need to treat that day like one of those Search-n-Finds. Become meticulous and unrelenting until you find at least one good thing about the day that could otherwise be described as a wash-out. If one is all you find... then great: Hooah! But look for more and hope there is a surprise waiting for you as a result.

Ahhh... As I lay here- (still) rather pitifully- I can look over at the clock and and upon reflection think to myself, "Today really had some nice moments in it! Hope to find some more tomorrow."

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

I'm alive

2009-06-15T15:24:00.000-07:00

It's called LIVING with chronic pain

Living. Not dying. Living. In every sense of the word. I'm alive. My mind is still here (no arguments please) and most of the time I have clarity of thought.

To be alive / to live or living [literally] means having life; being alive; not dead or lifeless; active or thriving; vigorous; strong: full of energy and spirit; having the quality of life.

[LOL] Validation- I am alive and living in the Midwest... proof via the dictionary! Although I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if I am- living that is. I mean does that fact that I'm not dead or lifeless really mean that I am living? Or just alive. Is there really a difference?

According to Webster I should see certain qualities or attributes if I am truly- living.

Let's see: active. Active? Uh- well... I'll say yes [with qualifiers]. Yes, in the sense that I am not immobile. There are still many things I can no longer do. Some things I can do- but for a limited time. Actually very few things (um, if anything) that are not limited. But the plus side is that I can do some things. Can. Do. (no... that wasn't an intentional hint to view my CAnDO blog [wink] it just happened!) But I can do somethings and that is what is important- right?

I can usually dress myself, bathe myself, feed myself, type, paint, game, cook. Sure- some of these are sporadic and some require help and 'some' can't be done if I'm having one of those really bad days, physically- but... I'm alive.

Hmmm. Thriving? After taking a quick assessment of my daily life over the last six months or so, I will say that I am THRIVING. Hooah! Ya' hear that Ye Ole Enemy of Health? Thriving. To prosper, grow, develop, flourish. Yup. Everyday? Uh, no-oh. But even a plant doesn't show progress every day. You put it in the ground; water it; the sun does its thing and little-by-little it grows. One day you look and its a tomato plant! [HA HA] You know I planted tomatoes not long ago. But one day its a flower or a vegetable or something. It grew, it flourished, its alive. I'm alive.

But I am thriving... just not all the time. But I'm looking for better days. No- I don't know when they'll come but God can do anything. I also admit / confess (purging again) that there are moments when I become so overwhelmed- that at times it's hard for me to remember that. That God can [and will] do anything; patience is a virtue. Guess that's why everyone needs support. Family, friends, church members, care-givers... someone to redirect the focus and lift us up when we are tired. Tired physically, mentally, emotionally- even spiritually. Just tired. Okay- enough of the fatigue talk. I'm sure I made my point. [wink]

And here we go: vigorous and strong. Uh, no. But wait- I'll check my dictionary again. Nope- no way I can twist, turn or change THAT definition [LOL]. So, okay- I'm not strong or vigorous... at the moment. But- my time's coming. Yours too.

Full of energy and spirit brings up many ideas and observations. You know- this might be hard for you to believe, but I do have a lot of energy. I'm full of energy- bustin' with it. Simply crammed full of freakin' energy! [LOL] Sorry- but I am. The thing is... my body doesn't let me show it. My body, mind and spirit have come to an impasse. But again, I am looking for the day when body, mind and spirit are once again in harmony.

So I guess my energy and spirit are invisible at the moment. Ha- just like my illness. Whatda' know! How many of you know you have energy inside... waiting and wanting to get out? Ideas, plans and projects filling your mind- but the body is not-in-tune with your mind's intentions and so they just pile up- waiting for their moment. But- regardless- you're alive... I'm alive.

Aaaannd- this brings us to the last characterization of live, alive and living. Quality of Life.

I am waaay familiar with this term... but not in reference to myself. My Dad- after he suffered several strokes, Quality of Life was a major concern, undertaking and goal where he was concerned. My Sis became quite inventive and resourceful when it came to this burden of love. Quality of Life is like an enigma. It means everything to everyone- yet that 'thing' is not of the same value, level, effectiveness or perception. Quality of Life. It is literally everywhere- honest. But now that is what makes the concept of QoL different than other forms care or presence of concern.

If you look up the information in a dictionary, encyclopedia or a search on using my fave tool "Google" then you'll most likely find the same info that I came across. Basically Quality of Life means you (and your loved-ones) have the right to expect (and receive) to live without your well-being and peace being compromised by other people, your environment OR chronic pain, illness, disease or depression. That regardless of the situation or state of ones affairs- that you, he, she, they- whoever- can [has the right] to anticipate / expect the best that is available to them under the circumstances. And you know what? If you are NOT experiencing the Quality of Life that you deserve... SPEAK UP- you're alive. If you're loved one is not receiving the QoL that is their right... SPEAK UP FOR THEM. They are alive.

But I digress: I do have a level of QoL that I pretty pleased with. What I can't do- we've figured how to compensate. If there is something I need- its worked out with me; for me. If its a day I must spend in bed or the majority in bed, then I'm good to go because my bed has been put together and set-up in a way that implements the most comfort possible and accommodates for my condition and levels of pain. The list goes on.

Does my Quality of Life compare to someone who is in peak shape and is an active athlete? Hardly. But in comparison- that athletes QoL is at peak and so is mine. I think the bottom line as far as Quality of Life goes (for me anyway... in my opinion); QoL makes you not cringe at the thought of another day- not dread seeing the sun come up; not turn the light out at night and feel that your day meant nothing- was nothing. It's what helps you to appreciate the desire of a new day; the gratitude at night after a day of life- in whatever fashion it was.

And I'm alive.

I am- live, alive and living! I am not life-less... and thank God- not dead. I guess I'm counting my blessings in that I am alive in every sense of the word and all that it stands for. You know, in working on this entry and thinking of the ways each definition relates to the rest- I've encouraged myself; uplifted myself and reminded myself that God is good... and can do anything, no matter the circumstances, sickness, illness, pain, depression or other problems the enemy can lay at your feet or heap at your door! Step over them... if you can. And if you can't step over them- then run over them with your wheelchair!

May you be encouraged as much as I have and more!

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Sure it hurts...

2009-06-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

... but I literally have to push past the pain. Push- past.

Someone asked me recently how do you do it? It being [LOL] practically everything. And I'm not going to lie, or sugar-coat it or put on the brave Bette Davis front from Dark Victory {although I'd love to have those eyes}. I'm no braver than others and perhaps more, um- cowardly? No- that's not it. Weak? No. Even I wouldn't say I was weak... Ah- apprehensive or hesitant. Yeah- I think I'm just trying to find my way around the life, test or trial; however you want to phrase it, the best I can, however I can.

When I find something I just cannot physically do or tolerate- I try to come up with a way that I can... or I wait until I'm able. If that time doesn't come- I find a substitute or at the least a big chocolate milk!

You know about four-five years ago I was sitting in a pain-management center for a consult. He was looking me over to see if he wanted to 'treat' me and guess what? I was looking him over to see if I wanted him to treat me. Don't forget that. We have choices and prerogative whether we put ourselves in the care of one physician or another. Keep that in mind.

[we now continue with our story]

So I was sitting there and he said... actually said this- word for word; and yes- it's burned in my memory. The meds haven't been able to squelch that conversation from my brain matter- [LOL] yet. He stood in front of me and said, "Your main complaint- or problem I should say, is that you have a lot of pain. Maybe you need to learn to adjust and cope with it. I mean everyone has pain. I have pain, athletes have pain- the thing is they learn to deal with it and go on."

Thank you Doctor Compassionate-Understanding! Working on that Physician of the Year Award, are you?

What do you say to that? I mean- someone who, like me- who has been in the position of searching for answers AND trying to deal with the pain WHILE attempting to maintain some sort of normalcy? I probably don't need to tell you of the scope of emotions/feelings that surged within me when this professional said these words to me. My response was unfortunately... silence.

Sometimes I think attempting to give vocalization to what we are thinking can concurrently release a spew of triggered emotions. I didn't want to spew (well- maybe spew) or cry or breakdown in front of this man. I opted for the non-response as my response. Inside I simply felt confused. I know that time is inconsequential when the brain begins to search and try to recollect what information or input could help in defending or responding to what one feels as an 'attack'. What seemed like a long time- was (I'm sure) only moments as I reflected on my 'previous' life as compared to the one I was currently living.

Did I? Did I always have pain? Am I just in dire need to 'suck it up' and move on? No... no. I never had pain like this; constant and continuous. Sure- who doesn't experience discomfort, stress or outright pain at some point in their life or even periodically? I mean stomach aches, headaches, migraines, twinges, knee or joint pain. And athletes? That's hitting below the belt. Sure- I'll concede that athletes experience pain. How could they not? But- who would run a marathon, play ball or go for a touchdown if all of those pains I mentioned were happening at the same time... all day- and more? That is what I wish I could have said with my own (normally) big mouth. Doc? Everyone has pain- yes. I know. But I have multiple pain- varying levels simultaneously and without a break. Pain that I sometimes term as suffering, agony or anguish. Pain that is without dispute that is debilitating. That- is- not- the norm. It's not- it can't be. But enough of that (let it go, Joy- let it go).

Getting up, brushing teeth, brushing my hair, bathing, sitting up, walking to bathroom or another room, sitting in the wheelchair, painting, gaming, eating, sleeping, typing... you name it: I experience pain during that activity (heck, I experience pain with NO activity [LOL]). There is no reprieve for good behavior. When I say it's a 'good day' or a 'fair day' that literally means that the amount of pain or difficulty I am experiencing is less than what I normally encounter. Sorry- but I am looking for the 'great days' or 'terrific days' in my horizon.

I guess what I'm trying to say is (*swallow* I can't believe I'm going to say this *gulp*): we all have pain. [LOL] Except I'm going to put some qualifiers on this presumptuous statement.

The we in that statement is we... those of us who suffer daily with chronic pain or chronic illness.
Pain is there- we know it. We (I) can't wait for the perfect moment to plan or do something that I want to do or that needs done. There may not be a perfect moment any time soon- if ever. Push past what you can and try to tolerate- if possible. Solicit help for when you cannot or if your goal (whatever it may be) still can't be attained on your own.
I'm all for creativity and innovative ideas to help accomplish the daily or routine tasks in a way that is functional for the... um- non-functioning? Ah- you know what I mean.
I adhere to the old adage that I can say it... but you can't! I can say that I need to suck it up or toughen up. But someone who has no concept of the personal struggle or discipline it takes to simply get out of bed says that? Next time I 'might not' keep silent. Oh well... we know I will. Just don't do it: okay? Its, uh- hurtful.
Having an Invisible Illness- does not make 'us' invisible.
It's okay to not be able to do something. If you [I] can't ... well- then we just can't. God did say that all things are possible to them that believe and are called according to his purpose. But there is also a season and a time for everything. So be patient; be vigilant; be thankful; be honest. Give yourself credit for what you can do and don't apologize for what you cannot.

As always- know that I pray continually for all of those, who like me- are on a journey. Whether it is for health and wellness, peace, salvation or family and finances; I am prayerful for you and me and those who are seeking God and doing what they can to make it to the end of the journey. Because I know (and believe) that God is faithful and will never leave nor forsake us. Never. Be encouraged.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Like the dog

2009-05-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

The first story (snippet) is an excerpt from a story I am working on (indefinitely- LOL) and although you may not understand why I'm starting off with this... um- it'll come to you pretty soon. [wink]

"Wilson! For the last time- will you be quiet?" Harmon was simply at his wits end. If that dog didn't stop barking and yelping he would possibly kill that animal. Well, he wouldn't kill him. He loved Wilson and enjoyed his company- especially during the last few years. But can't a man get some sleep around here? Harmon's thought were interrupted when once again the night was filled with angry barks and growls and was that dog actually howling?

Please! Thought Wilson, as he whined and paced back and forth in the Kitchen. Not knowing what else to do, the small black terrier-mix ran to his owner and stood up on his hind legs and whined louder- more intently while pressing his front paws against his Master's legs, begging Harmon to pay attention to what he was trying to tell him. "Stop, Wilson. Get down" was his only response. It's not that his owner, Harmon was a bad man or unloving towards Wilson. Since the day he arrived, Harmon has always been loving and playful with him. Even after the Misses went away, Harmon seemed to need and want Wilson around even more. But tonight when Wilson heard, no- felt- sensed that there was urgency... danger outside, Harmon was not happy that he'd been awaken and did not understand the seriousness of the situation.

"Wilson-" Harmon's voice became gentler, calming "I've looked outside, I've checked every window- heck, I've been in every room in the house. There is nothing going on. No one is outside." Harmon bent over and picked up his little friend, despite the pups protests and started for the upstairs bedroom. "Now come on, Boy. You can sleep with me and we'll have a nice breakfast in the morning." Wilson enjoyed sharing Harmon's breakfast with him and hoped that breakfast really would take place in the morning. But as his owner stroked his head and ears, continuing toward the bedroom... away from the outside presence- Wilson knew he was right and that his owner probably should have listened to him.

Sitting in the small, white and confining room Joy felt as if every hope, every longing to be well hinged on this one visit. You're being foolish, she thought to herself. This isn't the first time and it most likely won't be the last. True- she had been to several physicians prior to this one, but maybe- just maybe he's the one.

Just sitting there, waiting was causing so much pain. Joy shifted her weight on the chair, trying to find a more comfortable position. Why, she thought, do doctors who treat patients in pain have the most uncomfortable waiting chairs in the world? As the door opened, she jumped- feeling a little guilty about the chair thought and then was simply thankful that mental observations and complaints were silent!

"Well, how are we doing today?" Such a simple and rhetorical question. Every doctor she had ever visited started the visit out the same way: how are we doing today? How do you answer that? Fine? Okay? Not good? Is this question part of the visit or a social formality to be quickly gotten out of the way? If she said good or okay- wouldn't that just be a lie? Do you really get lie-bumps on your tongue when you, uh- lie? Joy opted for an escapism. "Well..." was all she said, hoping he would take it from there and solve all of her problems.

Flipping the medical chart open and thumbing through the thick stack of paperwork, it seemed as if the doctor were reading it for the first time. "So," he began, sitting down on the little stool with wheels and scooting closer, "What can we do for you today?" Good grief, Joy thought and answered slowly, tentatively. "You had me go for a full work-up of tests and scans and I'm here for the follow-up." Holding her breath she waited for the answer- or answers- or at least something to validate or explain the pains and problems and issues she'd been dealing with for so long now. What will he say, she thought to herself. Please, please let him say he knows what's wrong with me.

"Well, the good news is we didn't find anything abnormal with any of the images and your blood work was fine. What's your main complaint?"

Joy screamed- loud inwardly. Why, why won't anyone believe me- there is something wrong. I was fine- healthy for years and active and now can hardly move! Just staring at him and holding back the tears that threatened to expose how hurt and frustrated she was was all she could do. Not waiting for a response, the doctor opened the folder again and said, "We could try changing your Anti-depressant or we have room to increase your Vicodin some more. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

The second story is really a compilation of several visits- one just as horrifying as the previous but it occurred to me last night that the part of the story I'm working on was the perfect analogy of what so many people (including me) go through when what they are suffering with or experiencing can't be seen on an x-ray or under a microscope. I'm not going to tell you what happens in the story with Harmon and Wilson. [LOL] Don't ask me. I will say they are only a small part of the novel I'm writing and 'hope' it will be finished, um- never mind; I don't know when!

But Wilson's dilemma in trying to make Harmon understand that there really is something wrong- whether or not he sees, hears or knows it- it's real.

My dilemma, along with many other men and women is that we know- know that something is not right, something is wrong within our physical body... but no one can see it yet; no one can find what it is yet; no one has been able to help us yet. What is the purpose of this entry? Perhaps it's to create an awareness for the term Invisible Illness. Maybe it's to spark some interest in more research to finding answers for what is causing the symptoms; and not just label the mystery health issues as chronic pain. Or it simply could be a way for me to vent, release and heal myself of the day-to-day abuse of living with severe pain and health problems.

Maybe it's just me hoping that someone, somewhere will listen and believe me and not just pat me on the head, up the dose and send me to bed and promise me breakfast... like the dog.

Invisible Illness Awareness Week is September 14-20, 2009. What can you and I do to help make more people more informed and understand the issues, problems and uncertainties surrounding it?

Sound Off! (Let me hear you nice and loud)

2009-05-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

Having had a conversation with my Mom and Sis- we were talking about what 'draws' someone to return to a blog ([LOL] or a journal) and our ideas differed: so-

While today's entry, this one any way- isn't about 'me' per say, I wondered what draws you back to a blog or journal?

Is it content and subject alone? Or even if you like or are interested in the information that's shared, does the over-all look of the page or colors pretty much turn you away regardless?

I've had a few add-ons included in my journal from time-to-time. I've had music selections to choose, polls, etc... What about those? The more the merrier? Or the more the melancholy?

I am interested. Thanks (in advance) for your input. I guess what I want is while I'm sharing my journal online- I want people to be 'comfortable' at my blog while reading, sharing, laughing or even crying. That my page isn't keeping some from enjoying the visit.

Remember: you don't have to be a member or have a username to comment. You also have the choice of remaining anonymous or including your name. (gosh- how nice!)

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Timing it

2009-05-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Ah- the good ole days of rushing to work. Meetings, presentations, computers, lab, reports... boy did I love that! And the tools of the trade: laptops, calendars, appointment book, software, candy machine- oh... well- candy machine, scanners, printers and MORE, MORE, MORE! [LOL] As you have guessed (or already knew) I was a System Admin before fate struck a blow to my midsection, while I was protecting my face! ~don't cha' love a metaphor~

But sorry- I'm getting myself all worked up here and will be sorely disappointed when I finally realize that that is not part of my 'world' at the moment. Actually that isn't completely true; I do use a computer (obviously)- my world-of-wonders Alienware Laptop [hee hee hee- had to throw that in at some point didn't I?] And I do have a multi-machine sitting only a few feet away from me. Aaaand- there is a calendar here... somewhere. Alas, there is not a candy machine located on the property but I do have a snack stash in the cubby just above that multi-machine! [wink]

So- where is this all going? You just never know with me, do you? Time-management, proprieties, self-worth and home/family productivity. You know- the biggies.

Schedules aren't just for the busy, healthy or working. It can be for anyone- at any time in their life. In my own situation someone might wonder, "What the heck does she need a schedule for?" Hey- none of your busin- oh... I mean- I'm glad the question came up. I can share my reasons and some of what my 'schedule' is like and hopefully help and encourage someone else as well.

First of all, my schedule is 80-90% therapeutic and the other percent could be considered for productive purposes.

We all need to feel like we are doing something... at least I do. To feel like we have purpose or input; feel like there is more to our day (in the case of someone who is ill, sick, confined to bed or depressed- or perhaps simply is a stay-at-home for whatever reason) than waking up, taking meds, TV, eating and what have you. I remember thinking at one time, "Is this all there is?" "What am I doing with the day?"

And here is what I came up with. Now before I go further I will confess-

Oh no, purging time again-

... that of late I haven't stayed strictly with my self-imposed schedule. But sometimes things happen, so I gave myself permission and overlooked it! [wink] But I made up a list of things I like to do and things I can do- am able to do and so-on.

The list included things like:
Personal Hygiene
Stretching
Prayer
Sims game
Painting
Webkinz game
Journal
Reading / Watching the News

When I finished my list, I noted what was or should be or could be daily, what could be once a week, what could be a few times a week, etc... Then I created a schedule for myself. Something to look forward to and give me purpose when I felt (like I do sometimes) I needed it; value that is. Thinking to myself now, I'm sure there were those who heard me say, "I don't play Sims until night" wondered what I meant. Or heard me answer "No- I don't watch movies during the day." But on my schedule- Sims play (if I am physically up to it) doesn't take place until after 9 pm. Webkinz takes place between 8-9 am. News in the form of cnn live online or yahoo news is each day from 2-3 pm. Movie time or favorite shows to watch (for me any way) doesn't happen until after kids go to their rooms for the night or bed. Painting is twice a week and well- you get the idea.

Through out the day I have things I know I'm going to do. Through out the week, I know there are activities to look forward to, projects to work on.

Ask yourself: Do I feel like I'm doing something during the day? Am I feeling as if my day- my time meant something today? Even during the times when I am totally down... I do what I can that comes up. I can still watch the news, I can still pray, I can still do my journal little by little. The day I can't paint- I just can't. But simply having this agenda that I set for myself, makes me feel like I have a value.

Now don't get me wrong. I know we all have value, if for no other reason than because God loves us. But sometimes when you are in a situation where you are home day-after-day and unable to participate in a physical sense, as does (what seems like) the majority of the world or community; having my own little appointment book-

makes me feel good.

Luv & Prayers,

Joy

Body Talk

2009-05-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

Each morning as I wake-up there is a multiple of simultaneous occurrences. Conflicts, reports and conversations between brain and various body parts- whereas 'I' am merely a witness, a bystander to what takes place. True. The following is an excerpt from one of the many virtual, verbal exchanges that took place this morning. Enjoy.

Eyes open. Immediately a report... an inventory of current physical status of the camp and its members.

Sir? I have the A.M. Report for your consideration.

Go ahead.

Well Sir, as is usually the case- we have multiple issues and conflicts giving account of damage state and degree.

Go on.

The back is mostly indiscernible (Yes- he usually is) and from what we can tell is screaming phrases like "AAHHH!" and "Help!"

I see.

The hips and lower legs seem to be fairing better than the back- only minor aches and pains there. Although the left foot and top of right foot are reporting stinging and tingling along with minor numbness.

Anything else?

Oh yes. The eyes have made a very forceful statement that they are wide awake and ready and request that all other body parts, organs and extremities get in line so that they can enjoy their day.

Tell the eyes to give it a rest- the others will gather in formation as are able.

Yes Sir. I also have some confusing and mixed signals coming from the nervous system. Some areas are declaring surrender while others are chanting no-retreat. What do you want to do about that, Sir?

Ah, yes- the nervous system. We really have no jurisdiction over them anymore. Just let them work it out on their own.

Right. Also I have a complaint of urgency from the Kidney and Bladder.

Kidney? Don't you mean Kidneys?

Uh- no Sir. Remember? When this body was forming and gathering the unit... one Kidney was absent.

Right- AWOL. Go ahead, what about the Kidney and Bladder?

They are currently working together to bring attention to the plight they now face.

What's that?

Maximum capacity.

Oh. I see. Well send a message that we are working to aid them in their endeavor but that we currently have no ETA.

Yes, Sir.

Anything else?

I do have a current standing with the brain Sir. It's reporting a dull ache and over-all stabbing pain.

Do we have a basis on the cause as yet?

Not officially Sir. But there is a rumor through the grapevine that its some of the team from the Nervous System arguing again with members of the neck. And you remember Sir- they seldom come up with an amicable solution.

Yes, I know. Anything else to report before we call for the beginning of the day?

Basically that is the current status of all parts and organs to the best that we can decipher. It is difficult at times Sir to separate what is truly urgent and what will pass with time or resolve itself.

Fine, fine. Then go ahead and sound the bugle... it's time to get up.

Exercise? Uh- lets just stretch

2009-05-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not (and please believe it) I have a physical routine I do when I get up. [LOL] Richard Simmons, Denise Austin or Jane Fonda I'm NOT. But- I do manage to make myself feel a little better because of it. You know... productive.

So I'm going to share with you and hope it helps in some way. Everyone should/needs to do some kind of activity each day if for no other reason than to maintain ROM (Range of Motion) and keep muscles, bones, etc. from stiffening. This includes those who can't move and cannot do this on their own. Family members, friends, care-taker, SOMEONE do it for them. Help them. Some kind of movement is better than no kind of movement.

Morning Stretches. I slowly count to five with each stretch.

Sitting on edge of bed (clasp hands raise over head, raise arms, arms to side, lift each knee, lift each leg, lift/hold both knees)
Standing in front of bed ([I use a low-beam on ceiling I can reach: a wall or other 'object' would work as well] hands even with shoulders/grasp beam, right hand where left hand was, reverse, same but slightly twist, head up, stand as tall/straight as possible)
Wheeled Chair (not wheel-chair) Activity. Sitting in my chair with wheels (comfy office chair) I move my feet just enough that it causes me to kind of 'rock' or twist right to left. I do this throughout the day.
Chair Dancing (input: don't want any doctrinal feedback on this one one-way or the other. Not talking about American Bandstand or Soul Train either. But moving the body while in the chair to music of your preference for health purposes [LOL]).

Now- I know I need to elaborate on some of this. My stretches are not neatly, tidily done. My legs shake and twitch as I do this. And counting to five is about all I can do or tolerate (um- for the moment). But I do it. It is effort and self-discipline to make my body do these- but I know it is helping. I thank God for being able to get this portion of exercise.

Reasons for Exercise/Routine/Stretches
Therapeutic
Anti-Depressant (hey- it's the anti-drug)
Self-esteem builder
Calories burned (not much- but more than if you did NO stretches/exercise)
ROM (keep what you have- maybe regain some you've lost)

Added 'activity' and/or 'stretch' this summer: water (pool water).

There is no dispute that swimming is one of the best 'workouts' you can get. But even if you can't swim or don't have the physical ability to swim- just being in the water is therapeutic. The water/buoyancy holds your weight. If you can't stand or are limited- this is perfect. I'm going thru online stores now trying to find a family pool- the best pool (and longer-term investment) for me... uh- I mean for the kids! [ha ha ha ha]

I've included some stretches and ROM exercises you can do or help someone do (click on the pic to view larger illustration). These can be done sitting or in bed if you are not able to stand or stand for very long.

Recommended Website: [LOL]
You heard/read right- product placement has nothing on a
full-on Blog Referral, Back-link and Virtual Endorsement! [wink]

I found the Stretching website to be a jewel and a rose among the thorns of searches for stretching and exercise! Totally adaptable and allows you (the user) to save a specific routine. So cool... enjoy!

Okay- so I've shared. Do you have a routine of some kind that you could share with me? I'd love to hear it. I love to learn!

Luv & Prayers,

Joy

P.S.
"Remember to exercise at your own pace and not without your doctor's okay/acknowledgment"

One hundred Eighty-one Days (Part 2)

2009-05-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

And... I'm back!

What's cool is that you may not see or know it- but I get a lot of 'feedback' on my journaling via email and one comment that I received as a result of 181 days part 1 was that its six months... a milestone! I know- I'm terrible at math, I hadn't even realized it was one hundred eighty-one days until I counted it up on the calendar [LOL] and even then it didn't register that it was a half-way mark. But thank God for mathematically inclined journal buddies! [ha ha ha]

So- lets talk medicine. Yea! My favorite subject... not. I hate meds. I mean I REALLY hate meds. If you're at all familiar with my journal then you'll have read previously, I'm sure- that I can't stand it. Count them out; pick them up; in the hand- to the mouth; grab the water; swallow (try to keep from thinking about it or gag); close up the med bag and plan on doing it again that evening and the next day and the next day and the next day and... well- you get the idea.

However- while it is true that I am taking more medications than I was at the start of my journey, there is one script that I no longer have to deal with- and let me say Thank God. I mean: THANK GOD!

Let me tell you that since last fall I have total empathy, sympathy and prepared defense for anyone who finds themselves physically dependent on a prescription drug. There is no worse thing (in my opinion) than going thru full-blown withdrawal. Nothing. It is physical, mental, emotional; it envelopes, overwhelms and attempts to destroy who you are and what you 'think' you know. period.

I've been thru the experience of 'withdrawal' three. The first time it happened I didn't even know what it was- or what was happening. I just 'felt' I was losing it... literally going crazy. Emotions tripping over each other- feelings magnified and rationality gone. Physical distress and the feeling of dying. No reasoning behind it or how I would die- just the feeling "I'm dying."

I don't remember a lot but what I do remember has stuck with me- permanently burned on my psyche. I remember my sister was here looking at me. But she looked like she was in a tunnel that was about a mile long. Twisted and leaning to the side- looking at me... seeing thru me. I remember someone saying you are going thru withdrawal. What had brought me to that point? OMGosh- something that was totally unintentional. I don't know why I never even considered myself having an addiction or being dependent on any medication. As far as I was concerned I took meds for one reason or another- and although I hadn't (up until that time), I felt if I took my meds I did... if I didn't, well- it wouldn't kill me: right? [LOL]

I do distinctly remember what had led up to this, uh- problem? I was using a small, little clear adhesive patch that would administer medication slowly over a three day period. It was like a Thursday or something and time to remove the old patch and place a new patch. I thought I had another unopened box but when I opened the drawer- no box, open or otherwise. I called the doc for a refill and guess what? He said NO. That I should have more and if I used them too quick I would have to wait until the due date... 15 days from that day. Distressed? Only due to the point that I couldn't figure out how I could have done THAT. I think I would have noticed- don't you? [LOL]

Sooooo- I thought, "Well- I guess I'll have more pain than I'm used to tolerating" but that was all I thought would happen. Which brings us to Saturday evening; three days later. See? I had no idea my body was ADDICTED. Ugh! I will also say that I don't know exactly how/why, etc... but someone spoke to me on the phone and I remember them praying and then I went to sleep. Which- was something in itself as I hadn't slept the night before or that day because of what was going on with my body. But when I awoke I felt a little better and a voice spoke to me and said "Open 'that' drawer and look under" and without hesitating I did and there was the missing box of patches. As a friend of mine used to say, "What a God!"

To sum it all up (if that's not too late) this happened again. Only it was because the patch had fallen off and I hadn't noticed... until it was tooooo late. It made me crazy with worry that I would go thru this experience again. I couldn't take just thinking it might happen again. It took quite some time (this is journaled thoroughly in the beginning days of my journey; under archived posts) but- I did it. I was able to SLOWLY titrate myself down and off of this medication until I could stop it completely. Uh- yes. It meant feeling more pain. But the trade-off was worth it in my opinion. And I need to correct that: God did it. He helped me, encouraged me, lifted me up and enabled me to have victory over that situation and THAT took place during the last 181 days of my life- of my journey.

Luv & Prayers,

Joy

One hundred Eighty-one Days (Part 1)

2009-05-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

Well- I'm here... which is always a good start. Reflecting, pondering many things. Like- what day is this of my journey? (figuring) Holy Night! Today is day 181 of my journey!! WOW... I had no idea (that I was sucking this far in the game) [LOL] Just kidding. Not sucking- but it does make for some pretty deep/contemplative questions. Don't ya think?

So- I remind myself at this time to not (and stop) looking and comparing to LBI... you know? Life before Illness. [LOL] And instead- compare, for lack of a better word- LBJ. Life before Journey. [wink]

Going back to the beginning of my journal, I was in bed ALL DAY... EVERY DAY. I've had no days of total bed since that point. I have, admittedly had some days where it was 'mostly' bed. But those have been few in comparison- so that... I am pleased with (and have to remind myself I am pleased with it!).

LBJ meant I had not had a sit-down bath in over a year (um- at least?). No... don't be silly. I didn't say I didn't bathe. I hadn't been able to sit inside a bathtub and bathe. I used the bedside bath and when I was feeling 'good' I used the shower-chair in the tub. But- am proud to say that I take regular showers (with chair) or baths... [LOL] like a big girl!

Progress.

Ah- hair. Hair was bad, bad, bad, BAD. Laying in bed. Tangles, knots- had to cut it several times just to avoid it or try to fix it (well- Mom had to [LOL]). Brushing my hair was just impossible. My arms hurt and were weak. Now? My arms still hurt. My arms are still weak. But I discipline myself and push past and just DO IT. I've colored my hair a couple of times and once in a while I actually use a curling iron on it. Oh- for clarification purposes: I color to have F-U-N. Not because I'm gray... not that there's anything wrong with that [ha ha ha]. First time I used a color called "Paint the town Red" WOO-HOO and Ronald McDonald, here I came! Last week I went with a color called "Bronze me Baby" and I really like it.

You know? Let me stop here for a moment. I seem to be saying I, I, I. And there is no doubt that 'I' have made my mind up and am determined and pushing myself, yada-yada-yada. But without God- I know... am convinced- I would not be able to do any of this successfully. The end. God is so good- all the time. Oh- and HOOAH!

In the last 180 days I have left my bed and my home for a number of reasons. Prior to LBJ I left for doctor appointments- only. I leave now for visits with Mom/Sis. Shopping (once in a while). Tanning (although not in a while... no one will take me- hello?) And an eye appointment. Which was needed for more than one reason. One, uh- I can't see? [ha ha ha] And two, I want to renew my driver's license. I want to drive again. Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. But without glasses- it wasn't going to happen! [wink-well, I 'think' I'm winking... glasses aren't here yet]

One hundred-eighty plus days ago I did very little in contribution to household dailies. Now I have much (if not more [hee hee hee]) say-so in menus, cleanings, pups, chores, shopping, bills. That- feels good. Don't get me wrong- it wasn't as if I wasn't involved period. But input was limited and participation was (at best) minimal. Thank God for hubby, Mom and Sis to keep the household, school and LIFE going while I wasn't able to!!

I think I'm going to stop here and continue on the next post. Time to 'rest.'

But concluding with prayers and praise:

Dear God,

You are so good- so good- so good. And I'm thankful for that goodness to me and all of those who are in need, who are searching, who are also journeying toward a goal. The song says that without you I would be nothing and this is true. You are El Shaddai, the God who is more than enough. You are my friend, my Savior, my help, my healer, my encourager- my everything.

I praise you for helping me to pull myself up and press on and push for the last 180 days. I praise you because I know you are doing the same thing in others lives as you are in mine. I praise you for the journey, the lessons, the blessings.

Thank you and I do, I do love you with all my heart.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

HOOAH!

2009-05-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Time and again a battle-cry has inspired fatigued and even demoralized soldiers to fight gallantly. Many regiments have their men inspired by battle-cries at critical moments to perform courageously.

Ah, confession. Good for the soul? Hmmm- maybe. Definitely painful at times- at the minimum it's awkward. But here I am again- baring my soul and purging the bad, negative, guilty admissions of my combat fatigue and general status of the crusade and journey to wellness.

My 'status' lately has basically been in run-n-retreat mode. Ugh! Boy did that hurt! But- I'm sure I'm not the only person to experience shell shock or battle fatigue while fighting their way thru the enemies onslaught. However- that certainly doesn't excuse my MIA, AWOL or any other group of capitalized initials!

Sooooo- I have dug a hole and climbed in. No- not to hide, but to take on a more defensive battle position and am what you might call 'regrouping' in my newly formed fox-hole.

Its no secret (well- if it was, it isn't now) that I've been under some pretty extensive physical attacks of late. And with that I believe I allowed myself to become overwhelmed and non-focused on what I should be concentrating on. God. What a big meaning for a small word. God- El Shaddai- Captain- Overseer of all. Unless 'he' gives up and goes into run-n-retreat mode... I shouldn't. The end.

"Wake up- wake up, Joy!" This is me yelling at myself yesterday morning and again last night. "You aren't a green-horn. You aren't a private in the Army." Becoming more forceful and firm. "You have combat experience under your belt. You know who the enemy is- you've met him before. Now GET UP and get out there and FIGHT!" Then came the battle cry that will be my incentive to continue...

HOOAH!

HOOAH! Meaning anything and everything except no. Are we going to win this fight? HOOAH! Is God more than enough? HOOAH! Can you feel the win? HOOAH! Are you going to win? HOOAH! Have you got the win? HOOAH!

"Fight the good fight of faith..."
You know? I was reminded recently in an email that its called the good fight... because we win! [LOL] I like that. Are you fighting the good fight of faith? HOOAH! [wink]

I have to say that after all of this battle cry, uh- crying... I had to reflect on what happened and how I got so- um- tired? I guess (well, I assume) that at some point every soldier that is in active battle/combat gets TIRED. I think that I mistook my need for 'rest' for defeat and simply gave up. Or was at least on my way to giving up- surrendering.

But just as our soldiers who are in a real fight- I can't give up in or on this battle. No matter how tired I get- I have to make myself get up out of the bed and try... and KEEP trying. Every step, every accomplishment, every task I tackle and complete, every effort made toward getting better; coping with the 'now' and believing God is in charge and all things work for the good of them that love the Lord (and are called according to his purpose) is not a step toward victory... it IS victory.

Every conflict, action or struggle isn't won by CHARGE. Sometimes the fox-hole is the best position to take. Does that make sense? And sometimes re-grouping and taking time to refill your weaponry is what is needed to continue the good fight. Taking time to pray, praise, worship, meditate and communicate with God. Oh- what an awakening, stirring and empowering time you can have by doing just that. And if you see that I am slipping, doubting, struggling... just give me a HOOAH! and get me back on track.

I also must remember the consequences of giving up- withdrawing from the good fight. Disappointing God being the first; letting my comrades down; giving up my rights and privileges and handing them over to the enemy. No. No surrender for me. I won't say 'yet' either. No surrender- period. HOOAH!

God is good... all the time.

Gardens, Grandmas & Giggles

2009-05-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

Updating everyone as to what is going on. In some ways much- in other ways- not so much [LOL]. That clears it up pretty good, huh? [wink]

The Docs in Boston are still working on collecting all of my medical records. Someone from there either calls or emails most every day. The thing about long-last illnesses and multiple doctors over that period of time is that some doctors are no longer practicing, some have moved and some purge or archive their records. So...

Visited my nueru doc last Thursday. Mom and sis went with me. He added another pain med to the 'treatment' that was/is oral. However, I'm having issues with it and discontinued as of yesterday. I'm thinking there will be an alternate prescription that does not have morphine as part of its composition.

I was talking with my sis on the phone one day. I was complaining (LOL- never done that before!) about some new issues I was experiencing pain/health wise. I think I mentioned something along the line of "they'll (the docs) are going to think I'm crazy- the symptoms continue as time goes on..." [or something along those lines- who knows- I have medication-mind, you know!]

And her response? [LOL] Good! Another symptom! (what a goober) But- here is what she added: "Isn't that what House always says?"

Note: for those of you who don't know who/what she means by House, she is referring to the character Dr. Gregory House of the series simply titled House. Um- I think it comes on USA Network. Played by Hugh Laurie, House is like the worlds greatest, grumpiest and wisest Diagnostic Physician. [LOL]

Okay- back to the phone conversation and being glad about more symptoms [wink].

My sis said House would say: "A new symptom? Great! That should give us a bigger picture; a better picture!" She said each time something can be added, it can eliminate other possible causes. It can help to narrow down and pinpoint what is really going on and perhaps where to look or change in what is being done.

Wow! You know? I think I'm am glad for new symptoms! [ha ha ha] Actually- not glad about more problems or pains or issues... but she (my sis) is right. Its about perception, isn't it? The old lemons to lemon-aid or half-empty/half-full analogy. I really should know better than that. The more the docs can 'look at' the more information they will gather; the more info- the more able they will be to give proper diagnosis and/or treatment. AND, being a Christian I'm supposed to 'count it all joy.' I'm supposed to remember that 'all things work for the good of them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.' I'm supposed to ALSO remember that 'a merry heart is like a medicine' and HOW can I get my medicine if I'm not MERRY? [LOL]

And...

My sis (it appears she's becoming the star of this entry) brought up something else, that I don't think I've shared on here as yet. Something that only recently came to light. My grandmother (called her Nanny- original; but I was the first grandkid and obviously either had no imagination OR minimum pronunciation skills) anyway- she was very sick. She did go thru quite a bit of trauma in her younger years, but her physical issues weren't (I don't think) related to those. She had numerous knee surgeries / so have I. She had Cervicalgia / I do now. The docs believe that whatEVER it is going on with me is genetic. And with the amount of pain I go thru- I can only imagine what Nanny was going thru. The thing is, my sis and I were discussing that as kids we hardly realized the gravity of what she must have been going thru.

Until the last few years of her life, regardless of what she had to be feeling- she continued to do and behave as she had prior to the health issues to the best of her ability. In my sis' words were, "What a trooper!" Yes. And what an encouragement to me and all others who are going thru similar issues/circumstances. And what strength I can attain simply from her memory and from her Heavenly presence.

My Mom is the prayer warrior. She prays non-stop. And DON'T complain in front of her... unless you are ready for the onslaught of verse and petition, because she doesn't just say she'll pray for you. She does it right then! [wink]

So my sis feels that laughter is a medicine- she constantly has me rolling in it. My Mom is my prayer partner. Oh- and my oldest daughter? She read in one of her teen magazines (Heaven help the day she first got her little eyeballs on one of those ;) that people who go thru depression should be encouraged and told how pretty, beautiful and special they are. Yeah- I know... but she believed it. Sooooo- she constantly tells me how nice I look [LOL]. What a support system!

I do have a garden of my own. My daughter has a big flower garden she is tending- her first. But I have tomato plants stretching upward, growing- trying to become more than a sprout and kind of skeptical it will happen; in a little yellow- square tin on my bedroom window pain. Hey- its a garden. [wink] But it makes me feel good 'cause I did it. I planted them and I spray them with water and I know eventually if they continue to thrive, I'll have to transplant (yada-yada-yada)... but- the feeling of do something 'productive' is therapeutic in itself.

That's all for now. Know that I continue to pray for all of you- those who are sick, ill, in pain, hurting outside or in. I pray for those who are in crisis, unemployed, depressed or suffering in some other manner. I love you all- and God (who is more than enough) loves you too.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows

2009-05-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

A (not so old, considering it was the year I was born) song from a movie called "Ski Party" with Lesley Gore singing.

I'm having some up/down times health wise.

I just want to say "Oh, that feeling!" No... not that feeling of pain, depression or hopelessness- but that feeling of hope, love (cheesy- I know) and optimism. It's nice to know that even when you're sick or having physical problems or depression- that you (YOU) can experience those moments of appreciation for what is going on around you. That for a time- it's not all about YOU.

[LOL] I realize that most of daily life is about you (me)- but it seems to be the negative part of life. How refreshing to take the focus off of whatever trauma is being experienced can (for a change) take a backseat to the 'niceties' that life can offer.

My sis and Mom (and million dollar brother ;) are working with me in this new adventure. Compiling my lengthy medical records, physicians list and medications/treatments for the last 9-10 years. Holy Night- what an undertaking!

But- the hope is that they find something wrong with me [LOL]. Being diagnosed with multiple issues is (hopefully) not the norm. Just as preliminary there is thought that it is most likely ONE undiagnosed health issue that is simulating the multiple symptoms. No. I don't WANT to be diagnosed with a horrible illness. But the fact is I am sick. I do suffer pain- a LOT of pain. I do have health issues I have to face daily and as is... the medications, treatments- whatever:

aren't working.

Wouldn't it be great if they said- Hey- this is what is going on and Hey- here is what we can do to help. Yea! Hallelujah!

So that is where we are on that.

But back to the sunshine, lollipops and of course- rainbows. I'm thankful and grateful that God is so good and loving and compassionate and concerned that he not only gives us days and moments like that- but still gives us that ability to see past what we are going thru and recognize and appreciate those surroundings.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Something to enjoy! [wink]

Dead Presidents Wife- and what she said

2009-05-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

ANNA ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
b.1884 -- d.1962

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

Wow! Did she really say that? That woman was a mountain of information... and wisdom. As soon as I read this quote from the late she-Roosevelt, I thought of myself (there's a twist!) LOL

I guess- or would assume anyway- that everyone has been thru something horrible at one time or another... everyone. Uh- p.s. If you haven't- maybe you aren't really living! [wink]

Myself- I've been thru my share and maybe the bulk of a few other lives as well [LOL] but I've made it thru... each time. Some of the situations or experiences were brief- blessedly BRIEF. While some others (including the ride I'm on currently) were lengthy with seemingly no end in site. But, again- excluding my current battle with health; all passed- they ended... and I didn't disintegrate. The world didn't end. The sun rose the next day and the moon that night.

Sometimes when you are in a battle- whether emotionally, physically- even spiritually; it feels as if it is never going to cease. But if we stop and look back, look to the past- we can see other battles that we endured and that they are simply that now- a memory.

The words, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along' are not only true but enlightening- encouraging- empowering. You (and I) can say, "You know what? I did do that. That did happen. I made it thru- and if I made it thru that... [back] then- I can make it now." After all every experience is a lesson, an education and every victory and accomplishment is an added weapon or arsenal to help with future battles. (Gosh, I love a metaphor!)

Eleanor Roosevelt also said something else many years ago. Something I have been familiar with for some time and used it against... I mean encouraged others with many times. [wink]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Did you say a mouth full sister! But how many times have we.. "I" used this statement on ourselves? Yeah- that's right... on US.

When you are living in a situation of chronic pain, continued sickness, up and down moods/mindset... when you battle depression, mobility issues or the tax-man (LOL... just kidding): sometimes we beat ourselves up more than anyone else ever could.

Why give yourself permission to make yourself feel so bad, negative... inferior?

Being ill or depressed or in pain is not a crime. It's not a sin. It's not the state of being unworthy or becoming one with the dregs of society.

(by the way, I'm not preaching to the choir here: I'm preaching to MYSELF- you can listening in if you want- apply band aids when needed and send in an offering later if so inclined [insert smiley face here] )

And it may seem like I'm jumping from one subject to another- but (to me) these two quote/themes/subjects are interrelated. Sometimes while going thru a battle and feeling as if we aren't going to win- its not our armor we're doubting. It's not our comrades or commander we're doubting. It's not even the enemy we're afraid of. It's us. We doubt ourselves.

Can I do this?
What if I fail?
What is going to happen to me?
Where is this going to lead?
What if I never get better?
What if I really am crazy?
What if ...
What...
?

Maybe this is where we need to do a couple of things (and not necessarily in this order):

Remember God is with you- even when you think you're alone: you aren't.
I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.
No one can make you feel less than you are without your permission- that includes YOU.
Every experience, obstacle and test that you lived thru in the past, gives you aid to endure whatever hardship comes your way in the future.
Every horrible or traumatic experience that you thought would not end- did... and it will again.
Remember the little acronym from my previous post PRAY.

We are not just the sick, the tired, the weak in body... the depressed, the lost, the disabled: we are people, human, encompassed with feelings, emotions and rights. We are victors, conquerors and endure-ers. May God continue to help, uplift, encourage, wrap himself around you and you not only continue on your journey... but finish it with pride in doing so.

Love & Prayers,
Joy

If you can't see it- I guess it's invisible!

2009-04-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

Rant, Review and Reality post per recent ER.

Hmmm...

I'm still having great difficulty typing but am determined to do this entry. I feel it's important.

I’m actually using a voice recognition program to help me type. It also takes a lot of effort that is better, so I’m thankful. I have to say it is pretty cool-but you sure cannot speak in a lazy fashion. LOL

This week when I woke up the pain and feelings I felt, seemed different than other days.

My face felt numb, swollen, my eyes were puffy. My feet and toes and fingers were burning and painful. Tingling sensations in my feet and hands were very bad.

History of stroke in my family made me afraid So I allowed my family to call the ambulance to come for me. Once the technicians came, they looked at me and felt I looked healthy.

I looked healthy? I looked fine? I looked OK??? Uh- sure I did…

So-let me use a common phrase that you will read\hear often in this entry today: Invisible Illness.

I have to admit that I never really considered that there are people, who-if they can’t see it-you don’t have. The end. Hence-if you can’t see it… it must be invisible. On a good note-it doesn’t appear that I had a stroke. On a bad note-it appears my neurological issues are worsening- that is what was going on that morning.

After a few hours my face felt better but my feet and hands were the same. The ER Doc was nice and seemed concerned. He ran tests including blood and scan. After all was said and done-they gave me a snack said I need to contact my regular doc and sent me home. Boy am I glad I went-I was really hungry…

It’s not that the Doc thought nothing was wrong… He just couldn’t help me-same as always-you will have to see your doc.

I remember a few years ago I was sitting in an office, waiting for a new Doc to see me. The intern that gave me my initial exam was concerned and felt there were significant issues. But when the Doc came in-he simply stared at me and said why are you here? I had to actually validate my reasons for being there. He then said there is nothing wrong with you-you are wasting the time of neuru surgeons and he walked out. Actually he isn’t the only one to say something like that to me. I guess if they can’t see it-you don’t have. But they are forgetting that if you can’t see it-it must be invisible.

I can’t help to think of and identify with an episode of The Golden Girls –Dorothy had been showing signs/symptoms of a flu and couldn't shake it for months. Although she had other symptoms-her main issue was fatigue. She went to many doctors, but because she had nothing they could see… she had nothing. It wasn’t until six doctors later-she discovered that she had CFS-chronic fatigue syndrome. An illness that at that time was virtually unheard of. In that episode Golden Girls does a great job articulating and bringing to surface the issues, concerns, feelings, emotions, fears and frustrations of living with an invisible illness. That episode was called, “Sick and Tired” and was, by the way-the character of Blanche’s best and most hilarious moments ever!

That aside-I remember the first time I saw that episode-I was not sick. It was actually difficult for me to identify with Dorothy, although I did feel sorry for her and and I believed her. But mostly because I was familiar with her character and knew she was normally (for the most part LOL) a stable person. Now here I am-I am Dorothy… Except that there is no Rose Nylund to go to New York with me and see the big “potato” LOL

This part is for my new friend Lisa Copen
of “Rest Ministries” and the Blog Carnival.

Also for my wonderfully blessed & supportive
sisters of the Splashes of Joy Pain & Depression
Forum.

I don’t want you to think that I am down or giving up-I am though finally realizing that there are some people WHO if they don’t see it-you don’t have it. But there are some people WHO if they can’t see it… it must be invisible.

Dear God,
Please help all of us remember to and be more considerate, thoughtful and compassionate to those who are suffering or have a chronic illness or have chronic pain. Help me and others to realize that there are broken people everywhere. Then everything broken isn’t visible. That everyone hurting doesn’t always show it. But help us also realize, that when God-all things are possible. Everything broken… can be fixed. We love you with all of our heart. Help us to remember that you are EL Shaddai… The God who is more than enough!
In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

The Grieving Process (your lost health)

2009-04-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

You know, last night as I lay awake; I was hurting (no news there) and trying desperately to find a position I could at least lessen the discomfort in an attempt to sleep. Of course I could hardly do that without instantly thinking of the time when I didn't have to find a position that didn't hurt or aggravate. And when I did an emotion came over me that I'm sure had many times... I just never recognized it until that moment.

I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed my cell and jotted some notes down so I would remember, reflect and hopefully grow from it. [wink]

Grief. The feeling I was experiencing was grief. Yeah. Why grief? I'm glad you asked. (shows you're concerned) LOL

We grieve over the loss of something or someone when and after 'it' has gone. It never occurred to me- though maybe it should have- that we miss our health; our healthy daily living. I mean- how do you cope with the absence of something that is so vital, so necessary to those ordinary, periodic routines that we face on a consistent (or not so) basis.

Admission: I have cried- actually cried over the loss of my health and freedom. Although I didn't realize it was a type of grief that I was going thru. But yes- I confess I have. Sometimes just a few tears of pity [LOL] and sometimes out right bawling in retched and outward despair. Yeah, I know- sounds awful and childish and unnecessary... but at the time it felt right. But, now- that's enough of the descriptive drama.

But it's all about LOSS isn't it? So I started looking about, searching and trying to find out how other people deal with the dispossession of their health and freedom.

I naturally came across the well known (I think so, any way) 5-steps to Grief.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

To tell the truth- when my Dad passed away (according to that list) I started at 1 and went straight to 4 and didn't hit 5 for SEVERAL months. I guess everyone is different when it comes to the grieving process.

However, in dealing with my illness I will say that I have been thru 1-5 with the exclusion to 3... but not in that order. [LOL] And maybe that is why I'm still dealing with it emotionally. I guess that everything should be done in a sequence in order to go thru the process healthily. Hey- I didn't think that was a real word- spellchecker okay'd it though! [wink]

Included, there was a nice little acronym to be used:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

(I'm going to address this in a moment)

That being said- I did find something close and usable for my... our circumstances- those who are perhaps missing health, peace or soundmind.

At a website called Sound Feelings it posts the 10 Grief Steps. Ten? LOL- okay- knowing me as I do... it would take ten to get there!

Survive one hour at a time.
Survive one day at a time.
Take care of yourself.
Have faith.
Keep yourself busy.
Keep a journal. (Hey!)
Seek out positive addictions.
Give yourself permission to grieve. (no problem there)
Survive one day at a time. Again.
Give of yourself and connect with others who hurt.

Reviewing this list of ten... I can say it could easily apply to those who are sick- as well as those who have lost a loved one. I think I'm going to strive to work with this list; and encourage others as well. Details of each step can be found by clicking the url in the websites name.

Now- back to the first list that included an acronym. I have my own. Not saying that that one isn't a good one... just thought some changes would be more appropriate for the loss of one's health. (or peace- or soundmind)

P=Purpose. You still have purpose in life- regardless of your situation. Look for it.
R=Rights. You still have rights and humanism- regardless of your situation. Insist on it.
A=Attitude. You still can display attitude; good or bad. Make it a good one. Show it.
Y=Yahweh. YHVH. God. He hasn't left you. He hasn't forgotten you. Talk to him. Do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God,

Not just me- but so many people are on a journey to somewhere.
On their way and striving toward health, peace- soundmind.
Looking for answers, looking for family, looking for love or acceptance.
Looking for something they have- I have- lost.
Help us all God to remember PRAY. Help us and guide us to that
perfect will of yours and direct our way to the path that will lead
us and keep us on the road to accomplish and fulfill that journey.
We love you and appreciate all you do for us. We appreciate your
continued presence in our lives and we know that you are El Shaddiah:
the God who is more than enough.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Ups and Downs (and lefts and rights)

2009-04-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes being 'sick' and in pain is one of the most difficult and mentally and emotionally exhausting experience a person can go thru. The everyday fight to function. The daily ritual of forcing yourself to work thru it. The constant mind battle- and returning thoughts that make me question and wonder: why? why am I even trying? Where is this going? How will it turn out? Is there no end to this... pain and difficulty?

Ah- yes. You see now today is a complaining day. [wink] I guess we all have those. Mine just seem to burst out of nowhere and take no prisoners! [LOL]

It's not that I don't have any progress or moments of pleasure/good time. It just seems that they are few and far-between AND that I am somehow punished for those moments. A good day that is taken advantage of by me... is almost always followed by several days of physical semi-torture.

Dreams (well- medicationmares replaces nightmares), pains, struggle, mind-fog, bouts of depression, mobility, pains, disappointments, denial, spasms... PAINS.

Weightloss... a BIG issue for me (pun intended). I honestly never thought I would resent it. But its almost like a punishment. When you lose so much weight and in a relatively short span- WHAT do you wear? No pants stay up- literally fall down unless holding them up. Do you go out or send someone out to buy a new wardrobe? This is real life. You make do- and hope no one sees your underwear!

Unfinished projects... things that were started before you got sick. Stuff you began on a day that was 'good' and jobs that you wanted done a specific way that no one else knows about or how YOU want done. Around me and thru out the house there are several items and tasks waiting for my returned attention: a painting on the easel, border in the kitchen (well- lack of border), boxes and baskets of stuff waiting for me to sort and put in the armoire that was moved to my bedroom, open and waiting pc I was going to use as a server for the house, printers that need repaired and the list could go on.

That really sucks. You know? Things you want to do- work on, finish; and your body wont let you. Not now anyway. Then when you DO feel good... what do you choose? [LOL]

AGH! This entry is bringing me down. How 'bout you? [ha ha ha ha] Well- the good thing is that if you are also going thru any that I've mentioned: you know you are not alone. You're not a freak. You're not in untraveled/undiscovered territory. There are others- just like you, trying and praying and struggling and coping the best they can.

What we CAN do that we probably don't do as often as we should- is help one another with ideas and suggestions that can help get done those things we want to do (that is when we physically can do those things and are up to it).

Do you hear a pitch coming? [wink] Well I wasn't going to, but since I'm going this direction I will 'mention' that I do have a blog that I add to when I come up with something worth sharing to others who have mobility, strength or pain issues. It's called CAN-DO. Creative Answers for Disabled and Others. CAN-DO because they are ways to help someone who is 'sick' or individuals who are helping to care for someone who is 'sick', DO things that they would ordinarily- but in an adaptive way. The link is at the top of this blog. Feel free to click, visit, comment and share your own ideas.

Back to the complaining. [LOL]

No- no more complaining. I'll talk about- share- some of the 'good' moments. I'm sure there are good moments for others as well. I hope so. I pray so.

I took a shower yesterday. (big news!) But I noticed something. I was able to stand to dry off. Normally I have to sit, standing is a big issue. But I said to myself "I wonder if I can stand the whole time I'm drying?" So- I made a conscious effort to do so. And... I did. That is a good thing- it's a good feeling. Small accomplishments can give back a big reward feeling.

My sis and mom took me shopping yesterday. Not for anything in particular. It was so wonderful. Looking around to see what was on the shelves, browsing... BROWSING. [LOL] the things you take for granted. I didn't have my power-chair, we took the manual and sis pushed me (broken arm and all) and mom wandered about finding deals left and right ;) And they didn't make me feel rushed or uncomfortable that I just wanted to be in a store and look about. Remember to show appreciation to those who help you and care for you and about you. Remember to say a prayer of thanks.

Any way- my left arm/wrist are screaming now... so I'm listening and saying time to wind it up.

Luv & Prayers,

Joy

Wet, Weird, Waning and Weary; but still with a Will

2009-04-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

You know what?

I am a huge fan of the wonderful, late-great Theodore Geisel (aka) Dr. Seuss! Woo-Hoo!

The man could take any subject [LOL] even a subject about nothing (and long-before Seinfeld aired) [wink] and make it, turn it and tweak it until it was a self-propelling poem/rhyme that stuck with the reader long after the book was put away.

He wrote on the subject of animals that had never been heard of before (as in The Sneetches), environmental issues (The Lorax) life's questions and uncertainties (The Hoober-Bloob Highway) to issues which address adults as they continue to grow older (You're only old once!) to the fact that everyone is a person no matter how small (Horton hears a Who): and I must mention my very personal favorite "Marvin K Mooney, will you please go now!" (a MUST read;)

I honestly don't know if everyone feels about this creative genius like I do... I just know that regardless of the silly language, the bright, exaggerated drawings and illustrations; the made up, nonsensical words... I enjoy the read. And there was/is always a lesson or moral that can be derived from the sing-song words that can directly apply to any time-frame in history. They are time-less. They are enjoyable to every new generation that discovers Dr. Seuss. They are a pleasant childhood memory to every parent/adult who happens to 'luckily' accidentally come across one of the coveted bindings; they are a treasured experience from the past, spreading and stretching out to be shared with a new crop of youthful, eager seedlings- waiting to absorb the ministry of mayhem by way of likely Emcee, The Cat in the Hat; as introduced by wise and wonderful grandparents. (try saying that out loud three times real fast!) [wink]

[LOL] I'm not getting paid for this spontaneous endorsement of Mr. Geisel. But- I am (albeit- slowly) making my way toward my own point here for this entry tonight.

So- you know me... good thing or bad- I'm likely to be doing ANYTHING here: from a prayer from the get; to a song on my heart; to the telling and sharing of a dream or vision; to... well- just complaining cause I'm in such stinking pain! (oh- sorry)

But- I have something swimming in my head- banging around in there trying to get out and it is definitely going to be Seuss inspired- it tells much- laughs much- shares much- and cries mu- only a little. ;)

Wet, Weird, Waning & Weary: but still with a Will

"Dedicated to all of those Christians and Believers who are sick, depressed or in search of peace. To those who, like me and so many others, are on a journey. May the journey be filled with laughter, excitement, revelation, patience, reward, strength building tests and impressive winning trials! God Bless You in it!"

Spring is in the air- with rain adding moisture everywhere

The holes in the roof are still just that- holes

Waiting for papers and stampers

Waiting for men to work with their clampers

Time stands still when the house is falling down

Yes- the clocks too are frightened with so much water around

But soon, yes soon- we hope all will be well

The sounds of hammers and saws will be thumping

Will be buzzing.

So here we are- here we are still:

we are all wet, weird, waning & weary: but still have a will

Medicine, medicine- I could choke on so much medicine!

Pills, tablets, capsules- ooh!

Liquid, powder and patches too…

My head is spinning and my heart is a thump-

As if some medicine was lost in the lump.

But checking and checking, oh how I love to do that-

According to my bottles, all the medicine is were its 'posed to be at.

My body- my head- my whole being all over-

Feels so weird, disconnected… lying low- along side Rover.

So I’ll call the doc and the news will I spill:

Yes doc- I'm wet, weird, waning & weary: but still with a will.

Oh the straining, the craning, the whole game of blaming-

Of being sick and not well

And oh- of the pain; of the PAIN… I could tell

Be cheerful, chin up

Don’t you know your chin should be up?

But the happy face is worn out and my chin

Is on borrowed time- I couldn’t lift of my

Chin no matter HOW I tried

I’m so weary and tired of this mind placed battle

I could ring the neck of the nearest doc and

Rattle, rattle- oh how I would RATTLE.

Sorry about the air- that with my words I did chill:

But I’m wet, weird, waning & weary: but still with a will.

So many words to describe one thing- like happy and glad

And ecstatic and bling. But try, just try- giving some adds to

Something so droll- so ho-hum, so low- so definitively old!

And you’ll see, yes you will- that tired is just that- tired,

Tired, TIRED.

But give me a moment as my mind clangs more clearly-

Ah yes- another way, to say tired, if I may- is weary… so

SO Weary.

Which brings me to the last, not the least- but the best-

After all the best is yet to come

And with it will be more... more than just some some!

My will- woo-hoo; my Will! On my will

You can deal, you can count on if you feel and know that

My Will can do all of that and more.

My Will is strong- Christ made is so… so long-

And with my Will I can overcome the biggest of all tests.

I can be as stubborn as the stubbornness of stubborns-

I can resists as long and longer than the ones who'd rather rest-

My Will is lined up right along the Big Guys will- every mile and

ounce; and everyone knows Big Guys Will is the only one that counts!

So yes- yes its true: no ruffles, or bows or frills-

I am wet, weird, waning & weary: but still, yes sir’rey still

...with a Will.

God Bless!

Hey Friends,

Just a reminder (or an FYI in the event you don't know) I have TWO blogs that I write. This one which focuses on the journey to wellness and CAN-DO

(Creative ANswers for Disabled and Others). This blog can be accessed by clicking the link that is at the top of this blog... OR by clicking H-E-R-E It is a resource that I hope is helpful in making daily life more bearable and also raise the quality of that life.

Thanks for your support and sharing

Luv & Prayers,

Joy

Ode to a Family Care-Giver

2009-04-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

You know there is a person that is (so many times) over-looked. The spouse, daughter, son, friend- loved one that helps, cares for and attends to the person who is chronically sick, in pain or depressed. Without pay, benefits, reimbursements, compensation for their time or devotion.

The person who monitors what is happening in the home while the family-member cannot at the moment.

Takes care of children or pets that may be in the home. Makes sure groceries are brought in. The mail is brought in. Newspapers brought in. Cable bill paid. Telephone, Electric, Gas and water- paid. They make sure Internet or cellphones are still working.

Prepare meals, fill prescriptions and stock household supplies and water plants. The yard is mowed, the leaves raked, the walk is cleaned, the trash taken out and the laundry is taken care of.

These caring family/friends help make things easier on the one who is under physical distress or depression.

They continue to work, live, cope and add to life around them- despite the stress of dealing with situations that they also didn't ask for. To in addition of being a partner, family member or friend, now a care-giver, helper, nurse, therapist, delivery service, house-keeper, nutritionist and aid.

These people pray, worry, support, laugh, cry, encourage and go thru as much of the ordeal with us as they can experience, without actually being the one to do so.

Who is helping you? I pray that you are not alone while on your journey. I pray that if you don't already- that God sends you a selfless angel, companion and friend to share the load- the burden- the victories of your journey to wellness, peace and sound mind.

I'm thankful for so many who support and aid me from 'afar' as my Journal Buddies and Splash Sisters do- and for those who are physically here with me.

My hubby, my children, my mom and my sis are all consistently there for me... being that support system that is so important to everyone- but especially important when you yourself are not able to do what is needed on your own.

Dear God,

While I am not 'thankful' for the illness or pain that I face daily and realize it is a test or trial- attack from the enemy... I am thankful that I know all things work for the good of them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. I'm thankful for those family and friends you have placed in my life and who are doing what they can to help me be victorious and be an over-comer. Help me to live as much a quality of life as I can.

Thank you for your Word, your love, your presence and your mercy. I'm thankful for healing and health and for hope in all things.

Please make a way for those who do not have someone there- helping, caring, encouraging and sharing the tests and trials that they face. You are so good and I love you with all my heart. You are El Shaddai, the God who is more than enough.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Sneezes, Breezes and Pleases

2009-04-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

I'm still here... practically dying of the nastiest cold in history.

Well- not dying, just feel like it or wish it would hurry up and kill me if that is what its trying to do! [LOL... J/K]

Rains came again yesterday/last night and down came more of the kitchen ceiling and now the water has made its way into the ceiling of my bathroom. This despite out futile attempts to cover the damage with tarps, etc..

Total damage list now: Son's bedroom wall & part of ceiling: needs replaced, Kid's bathroom ceiling: needs replaced, Laundry room corner: maybe two walls and part ceiling (don't know as yet), Kitchen ceiling and perhaps floor now: needs replaced, large bathroom ceiling: part needs repaired, entire east-side of roof will need to be repaired/replaced/whatever, Attic damage: undetermined, basement flooding: unresolved.

Insurance told us today that it will cover the damage to the roof and the interior walls/ceilings. We will have to cough up (literally on my end) $500 deductible. This is a bummer- but a drop in the bucket (trashcan, cooking pot and other rain catchers at the moment) compared to the unofficial estimate of $15,000.00 in damages to the house alone. This doesn't count the total loss of all Christmas decor that was ruined, nor every towel, rag in the house that has been ruined, nor the kitchen tiles in the kitchen. But I'll still try for those things- just not holding my breath for those items to be reimbursed (not that I have much breath right now any way!) [wink]

So I must say (and want to) THANK YOU for those of you who prayed about the cost/insurance. I appreciate it and know it was because of prayer. Please think of me and my family that we can now find a contractor that will do it, do it well and do outside and inside repairs. Pray that this can be taken care of in a timely manner.

Please pray that this cold that has now settled in my chest will GO AWAY. That the weather will be 'tame' while we are waiting and that the sun WILL shine again.

Love & Prayers,
Joy

Tough Guys

2009-03-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

"Tough Guys, huh? Well- we know how to deal with people like you!"

Old gangster movie? Robo Copper movie? Warner Brothers Animated Short from the 40's? Robert D'Nero at his best? Or perhaps some classic Marlon Brando?

Nah- you're all wrong. That line is actually older than any of those films and actors. In fact- it is thousands of years old! That's right- grab your bible and look for your self. [LOL]

Let's start with a question: "Is it hot where you are right now?" I mean... "Are you in a furnace, even as we speak?"

I guess today's journal is for me... but if you are in the furnace you can happily glean from it all you can! I'm definitely in the furnace. By that I mean it is all I can do to type. Thank God for spell check! I am suffering extensive neurological issues today. Pain in left eye, pain in toes/fingers, extreme sensitivity to cold, yada-yada-yada. Oh yeah, and allllll over PAIN. Yuck- and I have to encourage myself today or I would give up- I would. What a hard thing it is sometimes to argue with your body.

But I am going to compare myself to three Hebrew boys (young men really) and make myself out to be one of them: a tough guy.

A day I can not hold items in my hand- I'm going to type. Take that!
I can hardly see from my left eye because of the pain- but I'll journal any way. There!
I am fighting with all that is within me NOT to cry. So I'll thank God for healing. Un guard!
I am going to be a tough guy... even if it kills me! [LOL]

Shadrack, Meshack and Abednigo were tough guys. They refused to give in- even if it hurt them, even if it killed them. God never promised them he would keep them safe and alive if they would rebel against the enemy (the King at that time). He never told them to be so blatant in their beliefs that the should say, "... and even if he (God) doesn't, we will not bow."

Wow! Talk about bold!

And even if he doesn't...

Shame on me for waiting for relief before I can appreciate what God has done or going to do. They knew the penalty for not bowing and threw in some verbal contempt- for good measure. Surely they knew the enemy (the king) would punish them. But they were tough guys.

And... in they went. A fiery furnace so hot that it killed the guards that threw them in. They were IN the furnace- and it doesn't get much worse than that.

I'm not in a physical furnace- but mentally, emotionally, pain-wise... I am. I am right in the middle of it, but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to be a tough guy. The kind that acts like nothing bothers them; you can't hurt me; I am stronger, tougher than what you can throw at me. You know? Like Clint Eastwood [LOL]

And-

Because of the mental determination...
Because of their belief system...
Because of the trust they had in God...

Although they were IN the furnace- they're physical bodies were not harmed- all of that affected what happened to them physically.

Tough guys.

Dear God,

I'm thankful for your love and mercy and compassion and saving grace.
I am grateful for my space in you. I know you are El Shaddiah, the God
who is more than enough and with you, because of you- I am a tough guy.
Thank you for the healing, cleansing flow thru Christ.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

The bad, the good and the tricky

2009-03-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

The Bad

I would love to wake up one morning and not feel any pain! I can't even remember what that feels like. I know it happened- I remember not being in pain- just not what the absence of pain feels like anymore. I'm guessing (if you have lived with pain for an extended time) it is almost, if not- euphoric. Ahhhh... Maybe I should imagine- pretend, if you will- that I am waking without pain. Years ago when I was in a counseling session I was taught an exercise in dealing with stress. Imagine a tree- begin at the bottom/the trunk and slowly make your way up until you are within the folds and layers of the branches and leaves and what you might see there and by the time you do all of that- you are relaxed [Ta-dah!] [LOL]

Admittedly that didn't always work with me. Maybe my stress was bigger than the tree! Maybe I should have began with a giant redwood! [wink]

At any rate- perhaps I could use the same technique for imagining I'm not in pain. I tell you what- I'm going to give that a try and let you know. Maybe those of you who also deal with chronic/severe pain could do the same and let me know.

The last several days I have had such difficulty and extensive pain in my upper arms and shoulders. I keep asking myself "what did you do?" and as yet, I have not given myself an answer. The thing about living with pain is that you don't know what you might have done to trigger the additional pain and what is just 'the pain.' You know what I mean?

The Good

I have managed to venture from my home several times this week. Twice to visit with Mom and Sis and twice (one corresponding with) to the tanning place. The tanning place... yes! There is just something about laying in the heat of that bed that is soothing and comforting to a hurting body.

Now I'm not going to say that getting down and laying on the bed is easy or comforting but- once I get in and the door pulled down; I'm 'okay.' Not so much for a tan, as such- but for the warmth and it helps my skin. Those of you who have to eat your weight in medications everyday might understand what I'm talking about. My skin is, uh- fragile? Yeah- I'll say fragile! And- there is something about getting a glow to your skin to give you a mental boost. I'm just doing about 10 minutes a time. So it's not likely I'll come out with a California Girl Look, but I will (I hope) have a healthy look! And... lets drive home the idea that the warmth- the WARMTH does something to my muscles. Mmmm- Its like (I know its not) but its like laying in the sun. Hey- it'll do until the sun really does come to my town to stay for a while :)

The Tricky

You know when you first wake up- wait, sorry. I'm talking at this point to those who are sick, depressed, suffering in some way... maybe I am talking to everyone. [LOL] Okay- you know when you first wake up and maybe you are feeling bad or blue or still tired or in pain or a lot of pain or that overwhelmed feeling or... well- you get the idea.

And your mind says, "You canNOT get up yet- don't even try it."

I used to listen to that suggestion. Yes. And- in fact I still battle that voice. Will that battle ever end? Will that negative voice ever stop or silence? Mmmm- probably not. But I'm sure that my ability to ignore and defeat it should get stronger as time goes on and I stay consistent with that. But I don't believe the bible tells us that the enemy will give up on trying to defeat us or trick us. But it does tell us how to deal with him and his trickery. So at least I know I have a fighting chance as long as I give my best... I know God will do his.

But back to the 'voice' in the mornings.

That suggestion is sometimes so strong it is hard to doubt it. I mean- when I move or try to- it does hurt. And when I make an attempt to roll on my side or turn my head- there is suffering. I think that is the way the enemy does win sometimes- he takes a part of something that is true and twists it until it is something that we think can hurt us or limit us. But each morning when that voice (who I think wakes up before I do and has already had its coffee, read the paper and is dressed and ready for me [LOL] ) starts up with the suggestions/ideas "you can't get up today" or "you'll have to lay here for quite a while before you can even move" or "there is no way today is going to be a good day" I have to mentally, verbally and adamantly remind myself that it is JUST THAT VOICE. And in comes the self-discipline and determination. And I get up.

I almost (almost) always think afterward- it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The enemy is a trickster and a practiced one. Maybe it would help if we (me, I) told myself before I went to sleep that I know he will try to keep me down... be prepared and overcome it. We'll see.

Summing it up

Yeah- I know, I never have a 'summing it up' on my journal- but if felt right today. I guess I'm just wanting to share and remind myself that there are good, bad and tricky days. That I need to remember that I am in a battle and that the enemy doesn't play fair. But- that the coach/captain of my team has the winning play book, so as long as I play by God's rules there is no reason I can't win the game in the end! (how's that for a metaphore?!)

Luv & Prayes,
Joy

Day of Beauty (Part 2)

2009-03-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

Okay- I was talking about how 'eventful' my kids lives were prior to my illness and I'm sure you are wondering what the heck a Day of Beauty is and what does it have to do with health or healing?! [wink]

Weh-eell... Several days ago I got an impulse for one of those special days for the kids. I called it a "Day of Beauty" and made a flyer and printed it out for each of them.

Day of Beauty

Hurry– Make your
Appointment NOW!

Facial ~ Female
Foot bath ~ Male, Female
Shave/cologne ~ Male
Manicure ~ Male, Female
Make-up ~ Female
Wash/cut/style ~ Male, Female

I also had a pic of someone cutting someone's hair and made it have hair like mine and put a white circle over the face of the customer and said "This could be YOU!" [LOL]

I called them together and handed them out and they made their appointments- they ate that up! Excitement doesn't touch it. Day of Beauty was on Wednesday the 11th and the whole while the kids were waiting for it to begin my hubby helped me arrange the kitchen to look like a salon. We had the Foot bath section (where they drank chamomile tea while their tootsies soaked), manicure station, make-up station, barber area for the shave and haircuts (two-bits!) and a lounging area for waiting patrons. [wink]

It took HOURS- no kidding. My body was exhausted and screaming and crying. Yes, yes- I rested, I sat, I took pain meds... but there is only so much I can do with this hunk of flesh at the moment. [ha ha- ha, I think]

When it was over it was SO worth it. Because as we were finishing up and taking pictures of them with their new looks: girls hair and make-up, son hair and talking about his first 'shave' ever in his life (too funny)... I heard my oldest say something to her siblings. One of those bittersweet things that make you happy and sad at the same time.

"Gosh! This was so great- just like the old days!"

hmmmm.

Heartstrings yanked- and stretched. I felt bad that it had been so long since I had done; well, been able to do- something like this for them. At the same time I was glad I was able to create another happy memory for them.

I think the thing that is worse than being sick, being in pain, being limited in movement/mobility, being disabled or depressed is the moments like that, that have stopped or slowed because of those things. On the other hand- I'm thankful and grateful that God has allowed me to taste that experience once again and maybe take it as a glimpse of what can or will be again in the future for me and my family.

Now- I will say that Day of Beauty (for me) was immediately followed by Day of REST! [ROFL] But even then I wasn't totally down and snapped back 'fairly' well. And I guess I just want to share this and encourage everyone/anyone who is dealing with the issues of health, mind or peace that there aren't always the black, dark days. That some days are cloudy... and some are sunny. Maybe we all need to create time for a day of beauty. The bible says that beautiful are the feet that carry the Good News... so as long as we love the Lord, share His Word and carry His promises in our heart- everyday can be a day of beauty!

God Bless,
Joy

Day of Beauty (Part 1)

2009-03-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

I want to share a little about myself today (like I haven't yet!) ;)

I'm 43 yrs old, married to a man that I met in church. We've been married just over 16 yrs. Yes- that means I married 'later' than most. Oops! Wait- I'm being reminded that I am NOT 43 [LOL] I just turned one-year-older last week. Ha- you do the math [wink]. Any way, when I became a Christian some twenty-plus years ago, one thing that happened was a great love for children. A ministry just for kids was created within me and my time with it is something I cherish (and miss) so much. I always thought that once I got married I would have a house full of children.

You know what is kind of ironic to me? That during my first year of marriage my hubby and I actually took measures to ensure that we wouldn't begin our family until after the first year! Big surprise when we changed that and found later I could NOT have children. My heart broke every year on Mother's Day and I just couldn't reconcile myself to the fact that every year I was childless.

Lets move from the sorrow now- it's getting depressing. [wink] We adopted. Nope- not babies. Kids- big kids! And I keep telling myself all the time now "I wanted these children, I wanted these children..." [LOL] Oh, wait- [HA HA HA HA]

Ages 16, 14 and 11 now- they each came respectively at ages 6, 6 and 4. All with developed personalities, experiences and issues/luggage (but maybe that is for a different blog?) ;)

But what I did was fill their time- and mine. I did it all. I let everything I had in me that was creative and unleashed it in a big way. (Yes- I'm getting to the reason this is in my Journey to Wellness Journal)

I (and hubby when not working) did themed sleep-overs, parties, cave playrooms, family field trips, family summer camp, picnics, olympics day, western day, pool day, fashion show family, family theater... I need to stop and rest my hands!

I know that reading this it does not reflect pauses, breaks, resting- but I still take a while to type my journal. My arms, hands and fingers get tired or too painful to use. It's also a strain on my back to type- even if laying down. (just pray)

Okay- I'm back. Unbelievably there was more- but you get the idea. I kept the kids busy (and happy).

In walks illness and down I go. With me went the creative plans, field trips, cooking days and EVERYTHING. In the beginning I tried to keep up with it. And I actually was able to do most for the first few years of my condition. But as with most things as it progressed, I digressed. In the end (prior to my journey) the only thing I was able to stick to/with was the home schooling. Basically because I have it set up and they could come to my room, etc... But all the 'fun stuff' had stopped. Yes- I hated it and felt bad about it. Tried to do 'some things' like have a movie or TV night in my room, but it wasn't the same. The kids? Oh, yeah- they felt it. They didn't like it and resented it. No- they didn't say that. They let me know in other ways that they were definitely not satisfied with how things had developed. [LOL]

I'll stop here and finish the subject tomorrow.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Journaling when the journal just isn't in you (Part 2)

2009-03-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends,

Last time we were sharing I was talking about my dream, getting off track (some how) and a line from a Rolling Stones song. [LOL]

I guess there comes a time when everyone needs to take a look back and learn from themselves. You know? Review, reflect, RE-GRIP! Several journal buddies reminded me of what I had said before, how I got to where I was in the first place, my dream/vision of the mountain. Ordinarily I hate having my own words thrown back at me, as it were. But in this instance it was a good thing.

Most of you know that I still am able to Home School my children. One of the things we 'drill' the most is check your work, check your work- check your work. :)

My youngest daughter brought her work at the end to be looked at, graded, turned in... She began Pre-Algebra this year and is having some issues (but then who didn't). Any way it was in the beginning and she brought this paper and WHOA! I looked at it and kept thinking to myself she normally isn't this careless. She was standing there and finally I said, "Uh- did you check your work?" She easily replied, No. I said "and why not?"

Her answer? I thought we only had to do that if you weren't sure about it.
[LOL] Kids.

But you know what- that has me thinking. Maybe I need to 'check my work' or at least review. I was able to start my journey then I should (and can) get back on track and not give up. That is what its all about in the end any way isnt' it? Not giving up.

Brushing up on my 'basics' that, Yes- I'm in pain. Yes- it is chronic and devastating. Yes- my body is different now and reacts differently and sometimes doesn't do what I (my mind) wants to do.

But- the mind is a battlefield and we fight the enemy with foreknowledge that God made us victorious long ago.

A woman from the pain-forum I belong to posted somethings this past week from "Joni and Friends" that was specifically brought to my attention (thank you Sheryl) and I want to quote a bit of it.

A Hard Path To Joy

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
--Hebrews 12:2-3

The path to joy is full of pitfalls, valleys and steep climbs. That's the way it was for Jesus. But through all the hardships, he kept focused on "the joy set before him." Jesus was able to endure his cross because he kept in mind the joy of reunion with his Father, the joy of triumph over sin, the joy of all his divine rights finally restored to him, and perhaps most wonderful of all, the joy of being eternally surrounded by the very people for whom he bled and died. This is why Jesus Christ was able to endure the cross and scorn its shame. All for joy!

Talk about shame... I felt so ashamed upon reading this. I felt bad because I know that when I dip low that I am usually in a self-pity mode and Jesus endured so much- on my behalf- and more than I have to date. Snap out of it Joy! Buck up! You aren't new to this, you know how the enemy works and you know how to defeat him.

Dear God,

I come to you now in awe and humbleness
the sacrifices made so that I could be saved
and others as well- that we could experience
the healing blood of Jesus and know that because
of Him we can be made whole.

Please forgive me for my doubts and my weakness
and I know that in you I am strong.

Help me and others who are battling the enemy,
who are sick in body, who are depressed in their
spirit, who may have given up or gotten lost-
help us to remember it is You who help and guide
us and carry us when we can no longer do it alone.

I love you with all my heart and am so thankful that
you have loved me despite myself and thankful that
I can continue my journey to wellness and do it in
your presense. With love and praise and gratefullness-

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Journaling when the journal just isn't in you (Part 1)

2009-03-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

... or

"To blog or not to blog...THAT is the question!" :)

I've been inundated with emails asking "are you alright?" "where are you" "please keep journaling" "don't give up"

And to be honest I've really come to a point where I just felt like I had somehow lost my way on this journey. Like one day I woke up and was totally off track and there was no 'back up' and turn-around option; no get the map out and see where we messed up; no way to use the handy GPS on my cellphone or AAA to come and get me.

Just utterly lost with all of the feelings and emotions that come with the mindset or mood of being lost- misplaced- astray.

Has this ever happened to you? Oh- you're right. I didn't explain how I knew I was in the position of being 'without direction.'

I guess I'm not really sure if it was definitely something I did to bring about a set-back or just timing or coincidence or even that the whole "I'm doing better" was just a type of remission or dormant state of condition. Some are going to carry-on because of the latter being mentioned because they don't want to think that or have me think it. But it was on my mind for certain.

But I digress. I had helped (yes- I did...) get my bedroom ready for the laying of a new tile floor. Being that this part of the house was obviously just a last minute decision and the foundation proves this- it wasn't going to be as easy as it would have normally.

No- no one expected it from me, no one made me feel I needed to or had to, but I wanted to do what I could or was able to do. The thing is once you open that door... it's open. So as you can guess I did and helped and pushed and moved and picked-up and sat on the floor and stood up until I couldn't and worked for two days.

I will admit that the second day was a real, REAL display of self-discipline on my part even to pull myself up from the bed and actually begin again. But the third day... it was over. There was no pull myself up, roll over, sit up- NOTHING. My body called mutiny and I had to listen.

At first I begrudgingly obeyed thinking I just needed to let myself re-coop so to speak. But that day turned into a second, then a third, then a week- then two weeks. Even if I had felt like talking or sharing what was going on, I just couldn't type. Yes- even now it's a struggle and I am having to rest every bit because of the pain/strain in my arms (again).

In the beginning (that is after the first few days) when I realized this might be more than 'just needing to re-coop' I started talking to myself- pushing- trying. But this time it wasn't working for me and after the first week I have to say I was starting to doubt myself.

Some of the days were filled with pain and then in-walked: depression. UGH! I hadn't even realized I was sinking to that level until it was brought to my attention- by many. [LOL] But then that is where I would use a favorite quote of mine from a favorite move:

"Does a snake know he's a snake? He crawls around on his belly all day and thinks he's a King!"

So I think sometimes we are the last to know what others have seen/known for a while.

Then I had a dream (which I've shared with some already) that went like this:

"I was hurting and in pain sitting on something like a church pew- but I wasn't in a church, it was just a dark room. A few minutes later a little old sister came to me that I knew and said she wanted me to get in a special prayer line- one she was over or organizing or something- I think. This sister passed away several years ago but was alive in the dream and came to me. After she said this she left to go to the prayer. I didn't see her again. In the dream I hesitated to do as she said but then decided to go and find this 'prayer line' she was talking about. I had a hard time walking but looked and stumbled about trying to find it. I realized then that I was suddenly in a huge church and couldn't find my way around. There were many rooms and each one I went to had people in it but was a different meeting than the one I was looking for. Someone stopped teaching a class to point me in the right direction and when I found out which way to go and went there- the room I wanted for the prayer could only be accessed by going up this very tall stairway... and I couldn't climb them. Then I woke up."

Lots of ways to interpret that one! But one that stuck was that maybe I can't get to what I want. Maybe that is why I'm lost and off-track from my journey to wellness. So then a few days later that song (that same song) popped in my head- "you can't always get what you want, you can't always get what you want..." But then I remembered the other (not so memorable) last part of that verse continues with: "but if you try sometimes- you just might find- you get what you need."

You know? I think I'll stop here and post more on the next journal- otherwise this entry will be a book instead of a quick read!

Joy

Finding myself

2009-02-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

"A funny thing happened on the way..."

Oh- that would be a joke! But something did happen today
on the way...

First things first: today is day 88 of the journey. DAY EIGHTY-EIGHT!
Wow! Time flies when you're having fun, huh! [wink]
Yeah, I know- it is NOT always fun. There are good and bad
moments. Successes and down-moments (notice I didn't say failures).
But I can hardly believe its been 88 days. Goodness.

And in that time I will say there were times I just wasn't
sure I was going to make it to this point.
Contrary-wise, there were moments when I could see nothing
but victory.

Times when I felt like everything I was doing: pushing myself,
efforts, self-discipline, ignoring the pain and pressing on any
way was simply all going to be in vain.

And then there were/are many occasions when the progress,
personal triumphs and accomplishments are more than enough to carry me
through.

But you know what? I guess that is what a journey is. Think about it-
when you travel from one place to another; wait, I don't mean a run
to the store or picking someone up or dropping something off.

I'm talking about long-driving as in going on vacation or moving,
relocating stuff like that. Where you are going somewhere either
for a period of time or indefinitely.

When you leave you prepare for the trip, you load your stuff up and
you take off driving (safely ;) But you have lots of obstacles along
the way. Traffic, construction or weather can slow the trip down or
even halt it for a time.

The vehicle you are driving can cause issues as well. I remember 'about'
8, 9, 10 yrs ago our family was going to our favorite vacay spot.
I L-O-V-E upstate NY!!! woo-hoo! I mean... oh, sorry. Any way, we were
driving and we were actually in New York and just near Niagra IN a rain
storm when one of our tires literally blew. OMGosh! What a place to
breakdown and what weather. Rain, cold, traffic- no where to go or
anything close enough to walk to. We had no choice but to use the little
cheap doughnut-tire that comes standard with your vehicle. I don't think
we'd ever even loosened the bolts on it up until that point. [LOL]

THEN we continued to drive, the weather cleared up
and we got to a little town called Glens Falls and were looking for a
car repair garage when we went *bump* and thought "What the heck?"

Glens Falls, at that time, was repairing, upgrading- who knows? the
main road and was not only down to one-lane, but also offering up
gravely tracked unfinished pavement to drive on.

[smile]Yes- good times.

Oh, and then there is YOU! There are lots of reasons 'we' can slow
down our excursions. Hungry, tired, sick, rest stops, pit stops...

So you see, even in a natural journey we can expect that it may (or
may not) be smooth traveling.

Which brings me to my journey- and your journey. I guess WE really
need to not take the slow downs, side-tracks, down moments and the
like sooooo seriously. Not necessarily dismiss them. Take note; learn
from them- move on. And then cherish, grasp, hold on to and appreciate
the progress, success, accomplishments and headway: regardless of
the size of the victory.

Which brings me to my opening 'monologue' the beginning of this
entry:

Several days ago my family and I drove out of town (this was before
Bro's surgery). We were getting ready to get in the van and I told
my hubby "I" wanted to drive. He hesitated, but said okay. And I did
it. I drove about 30-35 minutes out of town and then I drove back.
Truth: the jarring about did hurt and the sitting position, hands
on steering wheel did cause some stress to my upper back and my
hips. But- I did it.

So- I wanted to go and visit my Mom and Sis. But hubby can't
drive/ride for several more days now. So I said I'm driving myself-
by myself. It was all arranged; someone would call my sis as I pulled
out of the drive and then I would call once I got there and do the same
once I was ready to leave. That way if anything happened and more time
than should passed- someone would come look for me (because I take a
specific route for this reason). With bases covered- I struck out
on my own and drove. We literally live on opposite sides of town and
it happened at that point...

A funny thing happened on the way to my Moms place...
I found:

myself.

I found ME. I felt like my SELF. I felt like me again. I felt as if
I could finally feel and see tangible evidence of health and healing
returning. I've been saying "thank you for healing" but today, I could
feel the manifestation of the "thank you for healing" beginning to take
place. And oh- what- a- feeling.

Gratifying, empowering, encouraging and grateful thankfulness to the Lord.

Are you on a journey? Are you trucking on and breaking the speed-barrier?
Are you broke-down, in heavy traffic or looking for a rest stop?

Either way, remind yourself (as I remind myself) that there will always be
stop and go... but the most important part of the journey is to keep focus
on that goal, your relationship with God and your self-discipline: and
not necessarily in that order. [LOL] Nothing really matters except that you
continue the journey to wellness, peace and sound mind and NOT give up.

Take comfort (as I do) in this wonderful scripture:

Philippians 1:6 (Amplified Bible)

"And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."

God Bless,
Good Luck,
Good Night ;)

Joy

Thankfullness & Prayers

2009-02-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

Hey-

Just a note to say that bro had the surgery. He went in yesterday morning. Mom & sis went with him. There was much discussion as to whether I could go and with time-frames and all other issues facing me and everyone, I reluctantly stayed behind and let mom and sis take care of it.

He went in for what they said was a ventral hernia. Bro had obviously been very naughty and continued to do things he shouldn't or things that hurt/cause pain (but hey- who am I to bring that up) [wink]

So when they got in there the surgery took longer because there was a second hernia as well.

But he's a trooper and as soon as he woke from recovery he asked mom to come back and see him AND bring him a cup of coffee! What a goober!

He was pretty much out of it the rest of the day, today however he was up very early and stayed up until late afternoon, when he laid on the bed and read and bit then watch TV.

I’m so thankfully, THANKFULLY all went well, and fine and even with the additional damage to the wall of the intestines that no one knew was there, God still cared for Bro and guided and directed the surgeons and nurses and I so very much appreciate that and the prayers that went up for my hubby on this day.

My journal is lagging behind. I’m fighting the personal demons and I promise you I shall win- I have such good news and little praises here spread about, and each time I wish to share in this part of the journey, the enemy cause something else to happen that takes focus off that success and I feel so bummed that I then just share nothing- good or bad.

Keep me in your prayers. Seems like the further in the journey I get... the more difficult it is sometimes to stay with the journey. anything is easy enough I guess to stick with- for a short time; its the week after week, day after day that calls for that deep belief in what you're doing, that faith in God and that internal self-discipline.

Dear God,

I am so, so thankful that Bro went

in and had this needed surgery- and

I’m so thankful that they were able to

fix the entire problem and they he

came out safe and for the better.

I’m thankful for my support system that

takes care of me and my household as

well.

I’m thankful for you love in my life and

I’m always thankful for my place in your

family.

Keep me and all of us mindful always of

all you do and all you're capable of doing-

and with praise on our lips and thanks-

giving in our hearts...

in Jesus name, I pray- amen.

Voices and Battlefields

2009-02-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

Sick and tired and tired of being sick and
sick of sickness and tired of being tired

OMGosh. I know I'm not the only one feeling the pull down the well of depression, seasonal affective disorder or winter blues. I've read many posts and blogs and emails- everyone is saying the same thing. "I'm depressed" "I'm under oppression" "I'm feeling more down than usual"

I guess I'm no different in this. I'm struggling- a lot. I want out, to escape- find summer and warmth and sunshine. Those around me trying to make it seem like Spring/Summer is just around the corner. But no matter how you slice it up- this is just February and we have many more weeks of cold, rain, snow, darkness and wetness left.

That's a cheery thought, isn't it?

What is making this worse or maybe vice-versa, I don't know; my mind- that voice- is telling me that all of this positive thinking, effort, work- trying... is for naught.

The thought comes to me steady now, "How long will you be able to keep this up?" "How long can you pretend everything is alright?" "What will this lead to?" "How long until you can't drag your body up and out and remain in the bed- once again?"

Pat Benitar once sung a song called Love is a Battlefield. Nothing from Benitar- but in my experience it's the mind that is a battlefield. All thoughts, feelings, emotions, concerns, worries, hopes, fears, praise, faith, belief, happiness, dread... they all take place within the mind. There seems to be a constant change in which of these emotions are the current winner.

And you know what's worse- even more than that? My body- it's working with, seeming to agree and support these embattled thoughts that I have to listen to. Well- not have to, but can't seem to ignore.

How- How do people overcome significant illness/sickness? I know it is possible on many levels. I know that positive thinking and self-discipline, determination and so on count for much when faced with physical attack, illness, sickness, disease and such.

I know also that God is El Shaddai, the God who is more than enough- and with that He is well able to create and give health and healing.

I also know that modern medicine has great strides daily in the fight against diseases of all kinds.

WHY AM I STILL SICK?

Uh- sorry, emotion and all in the build-up of that sentence. [wink]

But I am SO tired of TRYING to be well and get better. I would like it just to HAPPEN already- you know what I mean?

Well- since it doesn't look like I'm escaping this foreboding season and there are weeks life in that season... I guess I need to come up with some alternative or creative means to fight this oppression.

I'll continue this 'subject' on my next entry.

Luv & Prayers,
Joy

Goodbye and Hello

2009-02-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

Saying goodbye to what i don't need any more

... and so leaves the mini-fridge from my bedroom. Bye- bye mini fridge.
Bye sheer convenience. Bye- bye needed for the bed confined gal who used
to live here. See ya.

[LOL] So guess what. Riiiight. I got rid of my little fridge that was in
my bedroom. Now- I don't want you to think its a bad idea. It's still a
very good idea. I wouldn't have done it any different. But now I'm
improving; progressing- and when I need something to drink or eat I am
able to walk to the kitchen and get it. [wink]

I didn't get to say bye-bye to the hospi- I mean, therapeutic bed... yet.

But- bye-bye shower chair. Um- maybe I'll keep that one a bit longer
too. Although I 'am' doing better about being able to stand for longer
periods of time.

Dinner-tray used for- well, dinner while in bed. See Ya! Oh- I will use
it for other nifty little projects. [hee hee hee]

Walker and cane. Haven't used in months. My daughter said maybe I
can donate them to someone more unfortunate than myself... [LOL]

Now- what can I fill with the empty void all of these helpful accessories
have left?

Um- I've already filled the void and am pretty pleased with the choices
as well.

Mini-fridge: To be replaced (as remodeling finishes in my bedroom) with an area for a mini-art studio (very mini) [LOL]
Dinner tray: My new little Cricut (automated precision cutter) to return to my life of crafts and creativity [woo-hoo]
Walker: Thinking about turning an extra room into an exercise room. I know I'm not ready for such a use- yet. But the rest of the family would enjoy it and I could keep focus that at some point I'll use it too.
Cane: Swimsuit? [LOL] Heck yeah, why not? Not today or even this month but when warm weather hits, these kids here know they're getting a pool to replace the one that didn't make it last summer and I'll be in it with them instead of on the side-lines this time 'round. [wink]

I guess there is always a void and there is always replacement.
We can choose what replaces those personal possessions that we
deem non-essential at some point in our lives. Some days
(during the journey to wellness) it seems like the day is long and
opportunities are short. Other days, the world is your oyster.

Meaning/Idiom:
When the world is your oyster, you are getting
everything you want from life.

I guess if I, we- could just buck up and hold out on those 'long days' and
remind ourselves that everyday isn't the same and feelings, emotions-
even perspectives can change. Hold fast, comes to mind at this point.

I Thess. 5:21
Hold fast that which is good

II Tim. 1:13
Hold fast the form of sound words

Feelings and the King of Glory

2009-02-09T13:15:00.000-08:00

stalemate

"any position or situation in which no action
can be taken or progress made; deadlock"

I guess no matter what a person is doing in life, or
up against or working on or toward- the word
stalemate or even deadlock might come to mind.

I just feel that I'm at a standstill. I made progress
and I'm at a point I haven't seen new headway in
a while now.

I just wish it were warm out at least. Doesn't it just
seem like things go better, quicker- um, maybe
a little easier when it is warm or the sun is shining.

Maybe it is the whole SADD thing making it appear
more difficult to gain momentum on my journey.

I have to be really diligent in not allowing depression
or self-pity to take over my focus. Self-discipline
seems to be a huge part of this journey- probably
any journey.

Pain, pain, pain. Fatigue, mobility, fear. Effort, work,
helplessness. Determination, struggle, hope.

So many emotions and so many opposite feelings
working at the same time. This is most definitely
a time when a person would have to reach out and
grab on to their faith and just believe that God is
there and with you and not left you. Believe that
you will make it- this is just a ripple in the water-
not a wave that will crush you.

Really it is pretty awful and maybe even ungrateful
of me to even feel this way- you know, like I'm not
in a place of choice. I'm not wording that right.
Yeah- like I'm not happy with where I am or thankful
for how far I've come and improved.

I guess it falls back on the whole "I want to be where
I was in the beginning and who/what I was before this
all happened."

In a way- being unsatisfied is a good thing. It means
you are not content with the status quot and therefore
(hopefully) will continue to persevere and push forward.

On the other hand- there has to be a "happy medium"
where you can be content for the moment until
advancement shows itself. I don't know. Any thoughts
on this?

Any way- I am thankful for the improvement in my
quality of life since making the journey to wellness.

Which, by the way, today is DAY 76!

I mean- in the scheme of things there are a number
of ways I have seen betterment. Lower pain medications
used/needed. Mobility that I wasn't experiencing.
Part of 'life' again.

Well I guess I need to remember that I'm not the only
one who feels like this sometimes, remember that I am
on a journey- and that doesn't happen over night and
that I can look back at what was and compare it with
what is and be (perhaps) complacent until the next
round of growth materializes.

Psalm 24:6-10

This is the generation of them that seek him,
that seek thy face, O Jacob. Selah
Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up,
ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in.
Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty,
the LORD mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O ye gates;
even lift them up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of
glory shall come in.Who is this King of glory? The LORD
of hosts, he is the King of glory. Selah.

Busting out of the Bubble

2009-02-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

"Living inside a bubble"

If you're old enough to remember when John Travolta was a Sweat-Hog

and went by the name Vinnie Barbarino and sang, "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-barbarino,"

then you might also remember when he played Tod as the "Boy in the

Plastic Bubble."

The story was loosely based on a true-life situation where a boy was born

with an immune deficient disease. In the movie Travolta learned to do

most things in life that others could do- but from within his germ-free,

sealed room and then later from within a protective suit.

It isn't long that Tod (Travolta) becomes dissatisfied with what his

boundaries are and what he is obviously missing out on- just hadn't

realized it up until that point... wants and feels the need to do more

than his germ-free world will allow him. He wants to do what others

do, feel what others feel, be a part of and participate as those around him

did.

"Bust'en to get out"

The end of the movie... and I don't mind telling it, considering this movie

is more than thirty years old (gosh- maybe I do mind. I didn't realize

how long it had been. That makes me more than... Oh well- we're talking

about the movie).

Any way- the end of the movie is left open in a way, with Tod leaving his

sealed room and suit behind and venturing outside for the first time.

Seeing his friend, the girl he likes and riding off on a horse as the sun rises.

The movie doesn't say- but it could be assumed that that action of breaking

free of his sanitized world would and probably did cause his ultimate demise.

Now-

About me (as usual) and my Journal and chronic pain, sickness,

struggles and all the other goodies that are a part of my wonderful little life

here AND... what does all that have to do with John Travolta? Well- nothing

to do with him- but something about the idea and the basis of the movie

and the self-sacrifice that the character Tod made at the end of it.

"Living inside a bubble"

Sick, confined to bed or the house (perhaps because of elements or some

other reason), weakness, depression, fatigue or limited energy, lack of

stamina, chronic pain, loneliness, aches, mobility issues; there are so many

things that can keep a person in their own kind of bubble. Preventing

them from really enjoying life and experiencing everything they can in it.

"Bust'en to get out"

The want, desire- drive to experience and be a part of what others around

you are. Not necessarily (but not excluding either [wink]) the fun or

exciting experiences. The everyday, boring, repetitive, non-exciting

chores, errands activities that are simply a part of life... a so-called

'normal' life. The kind of things that most likely a lot of people take for

granted.

I know I'm not supposed to- shouldn't any way- stretch up to do some

thing that is needed to be done or retrieved from up high on a shelf.

I know that sweeping, mopping or vacuuming is a big BIG no-no for me.

Dishes- though not popular with a majority of homeowners any way-

is one of the last things I should be doing.

And Heaven forbid I pick up, lift or carry something that has any significant weight.

Can you see yourself in any of these limitations to your day? Whether it is

temporary or because of an on-going issue? I know my hubby is having

a huge problem with physical limits. He has never had to deal with them-

before.

But, as is the case in most lives- things change. He has a ventral hernia.

I know (yowch!) and he isn't supposed to be lifting anything much at all

until his surgery in a couple of weeks and even after that for awhile. I,

ME... have had to stay on him about not simply doing something without

thinking and making it worse or even triggering a possible emergency

surgery instead of the nice little scheduled one.

He hates it. Resents it. Maybe me too? Hmmm. But he does admit it.

And then there's me. Limitation? Oh, yeah. I know alllllll about them.

Like them? No. Resent them? Heck yeah. Admit them? With much

restrained hostility. [LOL]

But then I think of the bubble-

the movie-

the ending-

and what it all meant in essence.

And I just wanna bust OUT.

And- I am. I really am. Slowly, methodically and with fore-knowledge

of what is waiting for me on the other side of that clear, shiny but imposing

barrier. A life. A life that is enjoyed and not tolerated or endured.

A life that isn't spent monitoring time and how long it will be before the

sun comes up, or how long until the meds get taken again, or long until

you know you need to shift your weight or change positions- because if

you don't, you know you'll either not be able to move at all, or at the

minimum- cause more pain or even spasms.

Is that life? Is that living?

Let me stop there for a moment. I'm going to share something that is

really personal (I know- but this isn't about me ;) but also can be pretty-

um, painful.

If there are those out there thinking:

"Be glad you can move at all."

"It could be worse."

"At least you can shift your own weight."

I do- believe me friend, I do know. My sweet little Dad- he's been gone now,

in fact it was unbelievably three years ago last month. He suffered so much

and endured such- well...

He had a series of strokes and the ultimate outcome for him was G-tube, catheter,

Trak and partial paralysis and more, more, more. Our family cared for him in

every way and did our best to make whatever life he did have- the best it could

be. But- it wasn't much of a life- was it? But what he had, we made sure there

wasn't anything over-looked.

So I 'do' know it can be worse. But, I know that living as I described above

also is not the fullness of life as we would all hope for.

What makes the bubble *PoP*

Well-

In the movie Travolta's character popped the bubble by making a choice

a rather deadly one albeit, but a choice to live life while he could and stop

staying within the safety and comfort zone of his room or suit.

And me... I'm on this journey. My journey to wellness, peace and sound mind.

Guess what. Today is day 73 of said journey. Can you believe that Journal Buddies? Seventy-Three Days since I (and many others right along with me)

said, "I'm mad as H-"

Oh, wait... that wasn't me. [LOL]

Seventy-Three Days since I (and... yada-yada-yada) said, "I'm not going to

live like this and be subjected to my own body one- day- longer."

And began a campaign of sorts to rid myself of one specific pain patch that literally

enslaved me and made myself- my physical body- listen to ME and

force myself to ignore what was happening and live; LIVE any way.

And I won't lie- I won't sugar coat it and I won't mislead you or anyone

else in this matter. This journey has days when it isn't just hard; It is

a struggle of the mind, a battle with the enemy and a challenge to my

very self-discipline.

But- it

is

worth it.

Are you in a bubble of some kind? Are you satisfied, pacified- content?

Then I wouldn't worry about it or think on it any longer.

But I was well past being sick of it and after the last withdrawal from

losing the stupid pain patch. I'm telling you (and by the way, I have

NO problem with saying that going thru full-blown withdrawal has

to be, without doubt- the closest encounter with Hell that anyone

on earth can experience)- I said that I not only want out from under

that medical grip- but I want out of this bed, out of this house and

be in charge of my own destiny again and not wait on sickness/disease

to take me out of here a little at a time. *snort* (stomp, stomp) {my bull impression}

So I'm bust'en out. *PoP*

Sometimes I do stretch and get something I shouldn't.

I do wash a cup or a plate.

I have been seen recently carrying my laptop from one room to another.

And there's more (but I don't want to get yelled at [wink] so I'll at least

keep a little to myself!

But what I'm doing is testing and finding my limits and sticking with them

for a while. Then pushing past those and doing it all over again.

When I find something that doesn't work or still seems to be on the

"Can't Do Yet List" then I remember that and work on something else.

I have to say- and I guess this is tooting my own horn- but I feel pleased,

happy and content that I am doing something and that I am making

progress AND that my initiative has been contagious and has spread

not only to my family, friends and support system- but to the world

as well, with the help of this little thing called the Internet. God is so good-

isn't he? Uh-huh- he is.

Oh, God-

Father God-

El Shaddai-

You ARE more than enough.

You are everything we need-

every moment of the day-

every year of our lives and you

are well able to help, guide

and work your plan in us-

and bring us and your work

to full fruition.

I'm blessed to be a part of

your family and I'm blessed

to have a chance- a second

chance to make something

out of this life that I have.

I'm thankful and grateful

for the strength that I am

gaining and I'm in awe about

the ability you have given me

to push past and zero in on

new goals all the time.

I couldn't do it without you-

I couldn't have brought

my mind to the correct frame

to even contemplate or consider

that I had- have more opportunities

still available to me and that

nothing is a done deal- until YOU

say it is.

I thank you God- not just for

me, but for those who read this

journal, for those who are also

on a journey, a passage- a pilgrimage

to a new or better or improved

or healthy life- a life blessed by

you- and in you.

With my whole heart-

with my soul, my spirit-

with all I have-

I thank you and give you

and only YOU the praise

for this work- for this

journey-

and in Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Patience

2009-02-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

Well, what you are seeing is what I did today.

I know, I know- I'm just now feeling better, but I just wanted to feel productive and only had today before hubby went back to work for a few days, so...

But this is the mural that was put up today at one end of my bedroom. It makes me feel like I'm there- in Tuscany. The whole room is getting the re-vamp so that ceiling is not staying that way- neither is that light. But it takes time.

So I guess everything passes, doesn't it? Why is it that we (well- me, I) have short-term memories when it comes to making it thru what seems to be bad times? Like this is it and it's never going to change.

Earlier I was washing my hands and you know how just a little nothing can trigger a memory that is so vivid? For whatever reason when I was washing my hands, I remember that one of my kids had such problems with using the bathroom on their self when they got mad, bored, whatever.

I remember that during this 'phase' it went on for what seemed like forEVER. [LOL] Weeks, months, a few years. Ugh! I thought to myself if this child lives, I don't know how they will cope.

But as I was washing my hands the thought came to me- gosh, it's been a long while since that happened. Gosh, it's been a really, really long while since that happened. And it was kind of funny because at the time all of this was going on, I couldn't not see it happening. Now- it is over and has been over long enough- that now... I can't see it happening. You know what I mean?

Any way- I guess that's how it is when someone is going thru a bad or rough time. All you can see is that and nothing else. But just like with anything- eventually... it passes. We just have to wait and be- ah... there's that word again: Patient.

Maybe one day I'll get that word, that action- that principal drilled in me and I won't have to keep learning that same lesson over and over! [wink]

So- I guess I let me feelings, my imagination- my self-pity (*gulp*) and my past experiences and on-going battle to wellness color my outlook on what was really going on with me. Now I'm feeling better... well- I'm over the flu any way. But that means I'm able to focus again on keeping on, keeping on.

Maybe when bad things or tests come up against us (me)- instead of focusing on that particular issue, I'll try to remind myself of a different problem I faced previously and remind myself that it didn't last a lifetime; I got over it; I got thru it; it passed.And hopefully (if I'm wise) this will help me to get over whatever the challenge is this time.

Dear God,

I'm so thankful for feeling better again-

feeling like pressing toward my goal again-

feeling as if I'm winning at this and have

every chance to make it thru.

I'm so thankful for my health being restored

daily and progress in strength and stamina.

I'm thankful for every lesson I learn- every

day. Thankful that thru pain comes growth

and thankful for your presence each hour

of every day.

Help me to be mindful of what your word

says and keep it burning, living and growing

within me. Help me to be a light to others

and an encouragement to those in need.

I love you with my whole heart and

praise you with all my being. You are

so good. You are El Shaddai, the God

who is more than enough.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Prayers

2009-01-31T22:02:00.000-08:00

Words that are everyday in the quote normal day un-quote
have double meanings when the person or persons saying
them or experiencing them are disabled, have chronic pain,
live with depression, suffer neurological disorders and
so many other issues and problems. Words and experiences
take on a new definition, perception and experience...
depending on just who you are.

Sneezing, Flu, and other issues that arise and are not given second thought in a
healthy or active person.

I'm trying to tell myself that everyone gets sick at one time
or another. but why right 'now'??

i feel I'm going backwards- i don't want to spend time in
bed, i want to be up and doing something- but i'm so ill
i just can't.

Please, please say a prayer for me. I want to continue my
journey-I don't want to go backwards or give up or let down.

I understand the flu- but it is so hard on my body that is still
trying to recover. Every sneeze triggers a spasm in my back.

The intestinal issues are tearing my muscles down so quick in my
back, legs and stomach.

I'm trying to be a warrior and a leader-
but God reminded me that moses had to have help lifting his arms
up for the people to see him.

I think I need strong, spiritual help. The enemy keeps telling me
that my dream, my goal- is dying.

Dear God,

I'm going to stop thinking about
myself and pray for someone else.
I know in this world there are others
out there far worse than I am and I
ask in the Name of Jesus that you touch,
heal, quicken and bring peace to those
who are in need at this hour. I love you
and thank you for this- even now.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Sheets

2009-01-31T05:00:00.000-08:00

I'm so ill today. Been ill since last night.

The thing about getting sick when you're already
dealing with chronic pain and other problems, is
it wears on the body so much quicker- because you
are already 'weak' in a sense.

Maybe this will be my complaining entry [LOL].
My oldest asked me one day do I ever just rant
or complain on my journal and I said- not really,
I just put down what happened, my thoughts, what
is going on.

Maybe this is the one though. I am still in such
pain from days ago when I helped do some of those
things when rooms were changing and my bedroom
was being emptied out to paint and redecorate.

Hurts to breath and talk. And fatigue is just
taking over. I guess this is a sign that I'm
still in a real battle.

I'll admit that more than once my thoughts have
returned to defeatist style. I haven't given in-
but that in itself has been like live combat!

But wait- let me get a hold of my self- I mean,
if anyone (including me) wanted to sit around
and listen to a lot of smack and complaining
instead of something that is going to help or
feed something worth while to our inner person...
I guess we wouldn't be here at this blog-
we'd just surf on over to that other blog where
all of the gal-pals of the bankers are crying
up a storm because their extravagant spending
has had a halt put on it... THAT is where we can
hear some A#1, high-class complaining. [LOL]

Me? Eh- I'm just your average middle-class
complainer. So I don't have the diversity
the other blog obviously has available to them. [wink]

Back to some more serious (and relevant) issues;

Yeah- it's true it was an awful day. And I tell you,
I found myself returning to my bed just to 'lay down'
and rest for a bit. Then I got up again and tried to
do some things but it just wasn't in me today.

Then... mind you... without even thinking about it-
I realized I was laying on that bed again.

My body rested once it came in contact with my "favorite
Egyptian Cotton Sheets" [LOL] and my head part up just
enough and my knees part of the bed bent up just enough
and I lay there and it suddenly came to me: "You laid here
a few times yesterday too." My eyes opened wide and I thought
and stretched my mind to recall the events of yesterday, but
before I could finish that thought process, a new thought
interrupted... AND- you laid down for a while during the day
the day before as well.

OMGosh. It was clear in my head and like burning holes thru
my skull with radiation! I was returning to my bed... little
by little- the enemy was getting me to give up and give in
without me even realizing it.

Don't you hate to be tricked? Ooph!

Well, I guess I need to buck up and just play it as determined as I was about two
months ago when I first started the journey.

Dear God,

Please help me to be mindful
of the enemies attacks and plans
to side-track me from my goal to
complete wellness. I'm thankful,
so thankful for the progress I've
made so far and I thank you now
for the continued progress I seek.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Climbing the Mountain

2009-01-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I had this overwhelming feeling that I was failing my mission- sliding backward as it were.

No, it was more than a feeling- it was more like a vision because in my minds eye I saw this movie-like scene play out before me as I just sat back and watched and (as is most of my stories ;) it was me (big surprise).

I was watching myself in a struggle and what looked to be a personal torment. The sun had just set but the sky was bright with the colors of an ensuing storm. Surprisingly the wind was most calm and it was a deafening silence, as if watching a film without sound.

I was on that hill we've talked about metaphorically so many times in my journal and I was pausing for a moment to get my breath, gain some strength. It seemed as though I had watched myself climb forever, but when I looked down at where I had been and then up to where I needed to go- I was still only about half-way. I raised my hand and wiped the dirt and sweat and yes- tears from my face and took a deep breath and was about to plunge forward...

...when it began raining.

For a second my expression was mixed. I could see several emotions almost simultaneously: confusion, disappointment, fear and then anger.

As I kept trying to keep my balance and try to forge ahead, the rain caused the earth beneath me to become unsteady as the dirt turned to mud and it moved and slid down as I tried to climb up. With each step I became dirtier, more tired and no closer to moving ahead.

Then the silence was overtaken with loud booming as the thunder came rolling in and lightening filled the sky with light that was so bright as it flashed an incandescent stream across the horizon. It hurt my eyes to look ahead to where I needed to go so to battle the elements that seemed to be working against me I kept my head down and got into almost a standing crawl position, where my hands where helping me to grasp what earth was still solid as my legs helped to push me forward.

I thought- is this what my journey has become? So close... yet so far? Is this how it ends? A futile endeavor? A self-effacing encounter? A black eye to me, and to all those who felt they could make the journey and those who supported it, believed in it- felt it was a positive matter?

---> Uh, let's stop here for a moment. [LOL] I'm sure you are wondering what the heck caused this Edgar Allen Poe moment and will Vincent Price be showing up during the finale! [wink]

No- no one so famous (or deceased) as Mr. Price ;)

But, I will tell you that as with all of my experiences like this, it is usually triggered by my MIND.

I tend to worry, um- fret, sometimes anguish or distress myself about some issue or problem. I over think EVERYTHING... 'cause nothing is small- right?

There was a man I used to know- a friend that any time I showed signs of concern, he would immediately recite "O, though worriest thou over many things." And by-the-way, if he or any of his is reading this... I really HATED that! [LOL]

Joy ---> Getting back on track

So what triggered the flood of trepidation that would prompt and generate this free matinee I was currently enjoying?

Welllll... me.

Yeah- me. My body hurt. I mean a lot. Felt like it did months ago before I started the journey. And I was tired. Really tired. Like I felt months ago before I started the journey. And I had that all over yucky, crampy, stiff, hurts to breath or talk feeling from my head to my feet. And speaking of head- my neck was the worse and it was to the point I couldn't hold my head up straight or turn it; exactly as it was and did months ago before I started this journey- except it was not the right side... twas the left mate- the left.

I felt like I needed to return to my bed and give in to everything that was crying for my attention just to shut it up.

I sat on the side of the bed... aannnddd-

---> We return now to our main feature

I was standing, crouching, working hard to keep half-way upright on this hill as I continued this battle with an invisible force, that was obviously intent on me not making my goal to reach the top.

(here's the exciting part)

With everything going on around me, the commotion, the sounds, the movements, flashing and the mud and all... I thought I heard a noise but not sure what to make of it, I turned around as much as I dare without causing myself to lose my footing and there- no more than a foot or so away from me was another person- another woman making her way on the hill.

She was a site. She was on her hands and knees crawling and inching forward as I had been earlier. Her face, her hair, her dress were all covered in mud and sticks and earth and were the mud had dried on her face I could see tear stains that had run down after and she touched my shoe and said one word:

Together.

Together? For a moment I thought together isn't going to get us up there much quicker- we're fighting something bigger than both of us put together. But I guess she read my mind or my face was so visual, that she knew immediately what my thoughts were concerning her suggestion of working together.

For all she did was say the one word again, but gave a sweeping gesture abut her which caused me to look up for the first time since the ruthless battle began:

Together.

I was utterly astonished as I looked about us and saw, for the first time- what this woman meant when she said "together."

All around us, at varying levels and progress points on this hill were others- all working to make the climb, all working to fight the storm- all seemingly defeated at the point when the battle became the worst. But we each grabbed a hand, the ones behind- the ones in front- the ones who were still very near the bottom and the ones who were nearly to the top; and a chain, a bond was created in that we held one another firm, tight- within this grip and slowly began to inch up the mound; one-by-one until each person who had fought so hard to achieve the undertaking literally leapt on their feet when they arrive at the crown.

I wish you could see them, all of them- right now- as I do. Working together- pulling others up from behind them. Pushing those ahead who had slowed. All of them tired and worn and dirty and sweaty and wet- rain mixed with tears, clothing ragged from the climb upward and some of the skin bruised, scratched even bloodied.

But all- all of them, now have the same light, hopeful- expectant expression on their faces. A smile big, displaying both the happiness of the moment and the sincerity of the encouragement from one to another.

Can you see them… as they now reach the top. No longer just me, no longer just her, no longer just him or them… but all- working, helping, supporting, pushing and pulling- until not one- but all made it to the top of that hill that was such a obstacle to each persons journey- each persons pilgrimage to reach the object of their goal, and an answer and ending for their journey.

I guess I don’t really need to say any more. I, without doubt- had an answer and was given a hope about my own very real journey to wellness.

Look for yourself in this vision. Where are you in it? Are you near the top- stumbling, bordering on the just the beginnings of the perfidious climb from the bottom? Or are you taking breath along side me about half-way up. Regardless of where each of us is- the answer is clear- no one is successful unless we work together as a team… no- as a family. Supporting each other with words, actions and prayer. Helping, guiding and knowing that together we really are going to see an wonderful outcome and an end to that which tries to keeps us down.

Oh-

What a mighty God we serve-

What a mighty God we serve-

Angels bow before him,

Heaven and earth adore him-

What a mighty God we serve.

Beds, beds, beds

2009-01-26T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today is Day 64 of my journey to wellness- I have to remind myself (obviously OFTEN)[wink] that sometimes when you’re on a journey- it leads to a hill. And sometimes while you’re on the hill- you slide back, you fall, you stumble and the climb isn’t always easy. But that doesn’t mean you don’t make it over the hill, it just means that that is when you dig in and not only use your inner strength but rely and depend on God and grab hold of his hand, his strength and just keep-on-going.

Today's entry is going to be alllll about my latest tumble as it were.

Okay- I'm here.

I was excited because we were going to change beds. Hubby and I are sleeping beside each other, but my bed is a hospital bed and he is using a regular twin bed *oh* sis says its not a hospital bed- its a therapeutic bed! [LOL]
Any way- changes, changes, changes and all but one in the house got a new or different bed after we switched and borrowed and whatever.

BTW... we are re-decorating my bedroom. It's going to be the Tuscan theme I've wanted for a long time. So everything in the bedroom is in the family room and walls have been painted (no- I didn't do it) BUT- I did do stuff I just should not have. More on that later.

That night all were tired, including mom and sis who came and helped do that moving and all went to their 'new' bed and all went to sleep...

except me.

You know how you think something isn't really helping or making a difference until after its gone? Uh!

At first I thought I was just MISERABLE because of all that had been going on last two days with clearing out the room, sorting, etc...

Then I thought "I've slept on a water bed before." In fact I slept on one for over ten years at one time. "This shouldn't be any different and its almost therapeutic."

Oh- did I forget to mention that the bed replacing my bed and Bros was a king-size baffle bed? [LOL] I don't know what else you call it. It's actually terrific- Bro loved it and when I initially tried it out by laying on it, it felt fine.

But then I realized I am still weak I guess in the fact that I can't just turn over on my own without maneuvering myself. The water bed didn't allow me to turn easily simply because I don't have that ability on my own without twisting and turning bit by bit and I couldn't get that traction or leverage.

Long story short- well, probably too late for that [wink] but by morning everyone in the house was rested... and I couldn't move and was literally wreaking of pain. Yeah- I said WREAKING. You know how someone can wreak of stench? Well replace that with unbearable and less describable PAIN! AAAHHHH!

Sorry- my drama.

So... guess what we did? Yup- we made a switch again. Poor mom and sis came over to help take care of their girl, as they call me. We're hanging on the the baffle bed in hopes/plans for a better future [wink].

And last night once I laid down on my hospi- I mean my therapeutic bed... ahhhh. I realized what a friend it was to me and just didn't realize. The lower part bent slightly taking pressure off my back and the upper part, uh- up also giving some relief and I had to admit that I (once again) jumped the gun in trying to rush my journey along.

I realize that I'm getting better and better- I just wanted to sleep on what the quote normal un-quote people sleep on. And then I thought about that. What DO normal people sleep on?

In my home alone there is only two standard beds. One daughter sleeps on a flaming red futon that folds down at night and the other sleeps on an antique daybed.

I also know of some that sleep on water beds, baffle beds, sofas, sleep-numbers and even the craft bed that looks a LOT like my, uh- therapeutic bed.

Maybe normal, like one of my favorite authors Patsy Clairmont says, is just a setting on the dryer. Maybe normal is whatever is the standard for you or your household and I just need to let it go and in due time I'll make my switch- but not until my body is ready.

Dear God,

Please help me with that one issue that I just
keep running into- my patience and my desire to
hurry the whole healing process up.

Keep me mindful that progress doesn't mean jumping
and leaping, but sometimes walking and even crawling.

Help me to be a better example of your work in progress
and I thank you now- because although sometimes hard
to swallow, all lessons from you, my journey and myself
are very appreciated and taken to heart.

The bible says that Psalm 119:11 (King James Version)
Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not
sin against thee. And that is what I want to do-
with your word, your direction, your guidance and your
life lessons to me; keep them and put them deep within
that I can use them and learn from them, not just once
but continually.

I thank you for my healing and the healing of others
who are also on the journey- who also maybe facing a
hill or who have already begun to dig their hills in
as they attempt the climb again. We thank you and with
love in our heart for all you do-

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

From email to blog

2009-01-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

Day 63

Before I continue my journal- here at its new home, I want to welcome you all to this site. After some requests and the growing interest in the Journey entries that I was sending out and sharing; I decided it was time to go ahead and post the journal in a way that would allow for more people to view it. The more people viewing (hopefully- prayerfully) the more people helped or encouraged while on their own personal journey toward a goal. Please join me and let me know how this journal has helped you. Please be encouraged to start from the beginning of my "Journey to Wellness" in the Archives- located on the sidebar. I began my entries in November 2008 and add a new one most days- or nights.

Joy

Pills, Open, Swallow, Crash

2009-01-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

Day 61

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuwuh-
CRASH!

Uh- the sound you just heard was me… crashing- because I’m stupid, Well- because I did something stupid- for real... again.

I know, I know and believe me, I’ve already heard it from my sis. But here’s what happened, well- what I did.

In the midst of the ocean of pills I swallow everyday – twice a day, there are two that do not like each other. I know this because I noticed a difference myself without even knowing of any possible side-effects. Remember when I re-discovered my sleep? My wonderful, enjoyable sleep? Well- it didn’t last long as almost after that or maybe during, I don’t know now- I started taking another new med called Budeprion XL (the generic for Wellbutrin XL). Any way- the bottom line is- I felt like the newer one was the issue and looked it up and what do you know? 1) wellbutrin can cause insomnia [hee hee hee] and 2) it clashes with ambient [really?]

So what do I do? What I always do… start messing with my meds. Started taking only ½ of my ambien at night and started whittling the other down every five days or so. Two days ago I went too far (I know that now) and went down to ¼ of the pill. I thought- “yay” maybe I’ll be able to just lessen the medicine load. Wrong, wrong Joy. The day started out mostly like any other; I did have pretty high levels of pain that were actually debilitating- but I kept pushing and felt maybe a little more tired, but I never know if that is caused by one thing or something else. But sometime early afternoon- wham! The bottom of my emotional floor dropped out. I literally changed from decent mood to devastation. No- I didn’t cry or anything (not this time), but I suddenly felt so, SO depressed, down, emotionally injured.

I kept trying to think what the heck happened and then I remembered that it possibly was the whole med change… finally kicking in. Called my sis to get her feedback (and did she) and we decided I should go ahead and take another ¼ so that I at least had a half dose for the day and will start with the whole dose again in the a.m. I know how dumb that was. I also can now easily see why some people just don’t want to take their meds any more. But I’m resigned to the fact that I’m just on that one until I’m not. I’ll just have to talk to the doc and explain how not only does the one cause sleeplessness but when taking a full dose of ambien with the other—I had those freaky sleepwalk/night activities.

You know? That caused some of those weird stories someone of you got a real hoot out of [LOL]. There’s just got to be a happy medium here somewhere. Soooo- on another note: I was still able to mostly function today and accomplish quite a bit. That makes me feel better. You know- all this stuff today about meds, moods and me… I guess it all boils down to patience and pace. I need to remember that I’m not a doctor- even though I know my body better than the doc- he knows meds better than me. Okay- there are some alerts on my medicine/prescription roster. And at least two are aggravating each other. I should have known better than to think “I” had the answer. I hate depending on others. I always have. I like being in charge of me and when you get so sick or ill or down because of chronic pain, authority over your body is going to pass from you to someone else. Bummer- totally.

If it were someone else doing this stuff and me on the outside just watching… [LOL] hard-telling what advise I would give. I guess it would depend on if they were the type to cry [ha ha haha ha]. Nah- I am sure though I would try to drive the point home that (just like the line from The Mummy [with Brendan Frazier]) “Patience is a Virtue” in the same sing-songy voice that was used in the movie. Patience, patience, all in good time, to those who wait, trees that grow over night… I know ALL the clichés about waiting. I just don’t practice them like I should. GOSH I really hate confession sometimes. But I tell myself that it helps me- and it could help others as well. I’m not so unique that I’m the only one struggling with the issues I face.

And I guess that is what is good about the journal- sharing. I’ve had so many emails saying that I really helped them or encouraged them. And then likewise I’ve had so many supportive emails saying “you’re doing great- keep it up” and between all of us-God, you and me- we help one another. We pray, support, encourage and give love; unconditional thru Christ. He is such a wonderful leader- father. He loves us and wants us to love one another. He helps us and wants us, in turn- to help one another.

He believes in us and wants us to prosper AND be in health, even as our souls prosper- and I believe he wants us to do likewise to our sisters- to our brethren. Believe in each other, pray and hope for prosperity in health and soul and be there for one another. And when someone falls down or trips or becomes too tired to continue the journey- we reach back and grab a hand and pull them along until they can walk on their own again. WOW- don’t you just feel the love of God right now?!

Dearest Father in Heaven,

I first want to remember to thank you NOW for
health, energy, strength, wellness, peace and
sound mind. I believe it to be done and receive
it in your name.

I thank you God, that although I’ve made yet
another mistake in judgment concerning my meds-
you are there… teaching me, correcting me and
setting me on my way again.
And I thank you for it.

Thank you so much- so much, for allowing me
to be in the greatest family, the body of Christ.
No other place exists where love is honest and
sincere and the head is nothing but love and
sacrifice. I praise you for my journey to
wellness being in its second months time and
I thank you now- also, for anyone else who is
on a journey- working toward a goal- whether
they are near the finish, almost there,
half-way or just began today…

I’m so glad Lord that you are the author a
nd finisher of our faith and of our journey.
Thank you again for all you’ve done
And with praise, and glory- to your name:

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

REMEMBER:
May God keep you thru the night, bless you thru the day and watch you all your life.

Sixty days and counting

2009-01-23T18:06:00.000-08:00

Day 60

Oh my. So many things to think about- so many reasons to be grateful, so many thoughts running thru my mind.

First, looking at the numbers here- part 30; thirty entries to the journal. And day SIXTY! I don’t remember exactly which entry it was, but I distinctly remember saying it had only been a few days and I was so pleased/proud. Here it is officially two months time and so much as changed. So much.

The one pain patch I was chained to- gone. Daily intake of Vicodin- cut from 6+ a day to 2 or less. That is mainly because sis does a lot of research about my meds. She’s always making sure that things aren’t out of hand there. And the sad truth is that the docs and even pharmacy do not stay on it like they should (you know? Like the commercial reflect) [wink]

But in that I had a spot on the liver in my last MRI and only one kidney to work with- she gave me enough to think on that I started rationing out my Vicodin so I wouldn’t just grab as wanted. I put two in a container (the main one UP out of sight) and then if needed I make my self wait and then if the pain is too much THEN I get one- if it is more than I can function with- I admit I’ll swallow both then and there. I know. But that is a lot better, so I’m still a work in progress.

One thing I’m noting is that the pain seems to be less obvious, I think is the word I’m looking for. Like I know I have pain- I feel the pain- but it isn’t in my face as it always was. I hoping a few things are happening. One: prayers for pain levels to decrease are being answered, and Two: my body is re-learning to produce its own pain relievers.

My bedroom is now only for evening reclining, late night TV, sleep and uh- rendezvous’ with my hubby. [LOL] (well- maybe soon… naturally he’s looking forward to full recovery as well!)

My bedroom is no longer is it my HOME. No longer. If you come for a visit now (call before you do so ;) I won’t be in my bed, I won’t be in my bedroom- I will probably be doing something productive!

Ahh- that, my friends- is the smell of freedom, peace, wellness… and sound mind.

I remember in the beginning of the journey I was exhausted but determined and was pleased to report staying up for a few hours, four hours, seven hours. So from a few hours to yesterdays 14 hours! Almost like a real person, huh? Wee- I was tired!

Journal Buddy numbers growing all the time. I get emails frequently from people I know and don’t know asking if they can read my journal too. What a wonderful opportunity to share what God is doing and help others on their personal journeys whether to wellness or some other path.

Paintings. Yes. Finished the acrylic painting. Did it in one day. I will NOT be doing that again. Not the acrylic part- I loved working with that ‘maybe’ more than the watercolor, but I wont do a painting in a day again. I could hardly move the next day. Too many muscles in the back and arms used for that. More than you’d think.

I have to say that while being sick everyone here got the needed care/attention, but the interactive relationship suffered right along with my body. My children and hubby are thriving now- even as my body seems to. I’m so glad I can be with them and watch first had again the daily lives of the family. Coming to my room and visiting- knowing my body wouldn’t let me do otherwise- that is such a hindrance to the actual vibrance of life. I’m thankful for getting better. I really am.

Leaving the house and going on outings and plans for more outings are wonderful! I ‘think’ we will go on a fieldtrip in March or April. That will be a whole day thing. I’m hoping and actually just believing I’ll be able to. I’m working hard to overcome and believe God for health, strength and energy.

Next week a big change will take place. I’m switching from hospital bed to regular bed. My hubby has a twin bed that is right next to mine. But I no longer need this and we are getting a king-size from my brother and his wife. That is exciting.

You know there is song that keeps going over and over in my head the last couple of days- and it’s how I feel right now:

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus-
there’s just something
about that name.
Master, Savior, Jesus
like the fragrance
after the rain
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus-
let all heaven
and earth proclaim-
that kings and kingdoms
shall all pass away-
but there’s something
about that name.

May God keep you thru the night, bless you thru the day and watch you all your life.

Life can be good

2009-01-19T21:25:00.000-08:00

And life can be good… so,
so good.

Why? Why not? [LOL]
No- dearest journal (and
Journal Buddies), there are
lots of reasons to feel that
life can be good and is good!

Milestones… more! And happy
experiences, uh- experienced
once more! Oh, happy day
(I think I’ll say it again- oh,
happy day!)

That is part of my quirky sense
of humor showing. That line in
parentheses is from an old Disney
short- animation. Hmmm… care
to take a guess?

Wait- 57 days???? Gosh- seems
like only yesterday I was laying,
in bed- 24/7, writhing in pain
and had so little hope that I made
out my Will.
Isn’t
God
Good?

Any way- here is the breakdown
from the last couple of days:

Colored my hair. I know- may not
seem like a lot, but wanted a new
look for the new me on my new
start while on my new journey!

No longer the simple, yet appealing
dark brown-haired beauty… now a slimmer,
forty-something, red-headed hottie!
(just kidding about that, I’m not that
slim: LOL)

Gave relaxer-treatment to daughter.
ARGH! Now that is one experience
that I could have went a little longer
without occurring. Only because
it takes so long- but I was pleased with
it and she was thrilled and it turned out
beautifully.

Make-up lessons for Teresa. Oh- and
hair tips too. She and I did our make-up
together and she practically took notes!
[wink] Fourteen is a hard age, make-up
is very important I guess.

Visited mom UPSTAIRS. You heard
(well, read) right. I actually left the
house for something other than a doc
appointment and went to my mom/sis’
house. Mom’s apartment is upstairs from
sis and I had never been up there since she
moved there. Now don’t get too excited.

I didn’t walk the steps. I’m not that far
in the journey. But I was/am to the point
I was able to sit on the step and scoot UP
the steps. I put the pressure on my knees
and made it. Her place is beautiful, like
I knew it would be and I so enjoyed myself
there. Sis came up also and we spent a long
time going thru old photos that I hadn’t seen
in years and years and some I had never seen.

What was funny was my first brother (the hero)
showed up and they said be quite he’ll be
surprised to see you up here. He came up and
said “What?!” [LOL] isn’t it nice to surprise
others along the journey?

After that I made my way downstairs the
same way I made it up- only in reverse.
My sis, mom and I went to see my second
brother (the genius and future millionaire)
to visit him. He was leaving the next morning
and his family to leave later this week.
He’s the one moving so far away. When I first
found out he was moving so far away, I cried
and cried every time it was mentioned. I just
knew that because of my health it wasn’t likely
that I would see him again. I can actually hope
that I would continue and be able to visit
at some point.

I finally finished my watercolor painting.
My sis says they would gladly put it in their
shop to sell. And I’ve already finished a rough
sketch and practice paint for a new one- this
one is being done in acrylic.

I gave some impromptu art lessons to the
kids on how to make a realistic bird! [hee hee]
seems the whole house here has taken
on a new interest in painting- even hubby
was borrowing my watercolors and doing-
uh, something over there. [LOL]

I’ve given a quilting lesson to my youngest
daughter. She is trying her hand at quilting
this year. Its not bad at all.

Re-organized home school materials,
ordered replacements and stuff for next year.
Missy is trying to get me to incorporate
a unit on dissection. Uh- do I have to?
I know this isn’t required…. Mom? You want
to do that one? [hee hee hee] [ha ha ha] [wink]

Did some much needed and over-due computer
maintenance on my laptop and then networked
hubby’s laptop. He’s happy.

Haven’t used a Lidoderm patch in a few days-
pain levels subsiding or at least being managed naturally
(thank you SO much Sheryl- I know you pray
specifically for this continually)

I’ve slept well last couple nights (nightmare-less).
Thank you for all of the suggestions, support
and feedback on that subject/journal entry. Thank
you.

WOW. That’s a lot isn’t it?!
So glad and thankful and grateful and happy and…
I’m actually able to see some of the
past vitality returning. Thankful is such
a small word- for such a big feeling.

Dear God,

Thank you, THANK YOU- for healing
my body. I thank you and believe it
to be done, in faith and in action.

Thank you so much for helping me
to return to the living and productive
part of life. Thank you God for not
only helping me on this journey,
but for simultaneously helping so
many others, as they also journey
toward wellness, peace and sound
mind.

Please allow me to not only progress
for myself- but to be a help, a hope
and a testimony to others who may
still be struggling to find the way
out of the situations that they are
faced with- the issues that the
enemy has put before them. Let them
know that you are El Shaddai, the
God who is more than enough.

I love you with all my heart and
am so thankful for my place in
your family.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Dream a little dream

2009-01-16T23:28:00.000-08:00

Day 54

Dreams, medication, nightmares
aaaannnd the enemy…
yup- quite a combination.
I’m just not sure if this is something
that is “me” or most others or some
others or…. Just “me” [LOL]

I’ve always had very, VERY real
dreams. The things is I’ve always
had the gift of dreams. It’s a blessing…
it can be a curse. Sometimes I see
dreams and answers I don’t want
to see. Sometimes they were for
others who I guess had been praying
for an answer and I was able to help.
Sometimes the dream was for me
or someone closely connected to
me in some way.

sometimes the dream wasn’t a dream
at all but a vision. I used to be much
more receptive to it- I guess until
one time it was way to real for me
and now when I am praying and I say
“God- why did…” I quickly change and
say, “Never mind- I don’t want to know.”

I know that may sound strange- not
wanting to know if it was as simple
as just asking… and that for me has been,
but I guess its like anything- sometimes
things are too ‘out there’ for our minds
to process.

Okay- I’ll give two examples. Two because
they are perfect examples of the blessing side-
and the “can be a curse” side and the dream side.

Oh- and yes… after all this is said
and done it will explain why I’m having
problems now.

The dream:

I was actually sleeping in my dream. And I was
awaken by what I thought at first was
thunder- it was night and storming. I tried to
turn the light on (still dreaming) but nothing
happened. Then I heard banging and
realized that someone was banging on the door.

I called thru the door and asked who it was.
A young female voice answered but I couldn’t
make out what name she said. I cracked the
door open and there was an older teen there
crying and begging me to let her in and help
her. She looked familiar but I didn’t know
who she was. In the dream I sat her down and
asked what happened. She said she’d been
raped and was frightened because it happened
at her apartment and the guys who did it
might come back. I woke up.

I knew right away this was one of “those” dreams.
But I couldn’t identify the girl.

Long story short: a few days later I saw that girl
visiting a neighbor of mine at the time.
I told a friend and we got with that
neighbor and asked her if she would
take us to see this girl. We three went
and as soon as I got there I knew it was
the young person from my dream.

I didn’t want to shake her up- so all I did
was tell her she was on my heart and if
anything ever happened and she needed
help- to contact me. I prayed with her
and left. I actually forgot all about it too.
Three months later some kind of power
thingy was damaged and my whole block
was out of electricity. I went to bed and
I could hear the storm outside. I was
almost asleep when the banging on the
door began. Can you believe I still did
not remember the dream at that point?
Calling out I heard a voice answer but
couldn’t identify the person and peaked
out and there she was. I wont go into
what happened. Unfortunately it was
exactly as I dreamed. Why the dream?
I found out later that this poor girl had
such a bad little life previous to this,
that she had a reputation for lying.
When she called the police they wouldn’t
even come to her home.

Because I had the dream- I knew she
was telling the truth and we got
her the help she needed.

That wasn’t as bad-

I was with a friend another time and
there was an article in the paper about
a couple of mentally challenged women
who had been found chained in a
basement. They were unable at the
time to find out who, what, why and
so-on because of their state of mind.
That everything was still just under
investigation. I should have known
better. But I was praying that night
and was so bothered by it that I
just began to seek and ask the Lord
what happened there; what happened
to those women; what could be done
and so-on.

I opened my eyes and I was not in
my bedroom any more. I was standing
in a dark, cold, primitive kind of
basement. Like dirt floor and only
portions of walls. There was a light
hanging from the ceiling which was
I guess the floor from above. I looked
around and I wont say what all I saw.
It was very disturbing. Very sad. But
I just knew this was where the
women were and this was what had
happened. Even though I was praying
it was “one of those dreams” because
then I woke up in the morning. I dressed
and went to my friends home that
had read that article with me. I asked
to see the article again. There was nothing
in the article about anything I had seen.
I told her about it and she believed me.

I wondered what I should do. I felt no one
five, six, seven states away is going to
listen to someone who has never even
been there or knew these women. I also
told my friend that there were three women
and not two like it said in the paper. But the
third was dead and ‘gone.’

Nothing new was printed about it until the
next day. That was when the article, news-
everything was saying exactly what
I had already said that I saw. The picture
of the basement was printed and it was
the same room light, shelf, pot- everything
that I saw and told about. The police also
confirmed that a third mental patient had
been held along with the other two and
I wont say what happened- but it was just
as I had seen.

I hated that one. I don’t know why I saw
that other than I was earnest when I asked
God about it- and I already had this ‘gift’
to see things. I have to say there were a
few people that avoided me permanently
after that. [LOL] I guess they were afraid
I might see or dream something about them!
IDK. But any way- I’ve been so cautious since
that particular dream, as it shook me and
I don’t want to see anything like that again.

Hence… the dreams, medications, nightmares
and the enemy.

I hope I haven’t freaked anyone,
scared, creeped out or lost anyone on
this entry. I never know what I’m going
to journal and I hardly ever (ever) talk
about this stuff.

But I’m having problems. With all of
this already a part of me- always has been.
My medications is messing with it.
In the worse way. Those particular
dreams have a very different ‘feel’ to
them, which is how I was always able to
identify them and work from there.

I know it has to be the meds- its been
doing this for a while now… its just
getting worse. Dreams. No- not
dreams. Worse than any dream you
could come up with. Worse, I would
guess, than any scary of the scariest
movies. I think the enemy is using this
against me. Maybe to hurt me or
confuse me or frighten me or… I
don’t know- something. But the dreams
I have, have that ‘feeling’ like they
are the real dreams that mean something
or are going to happen. Yet my mind,
my spirit tell me they couldn’t possibly
happen. Too horrible. Too grisly.
Too bloody. Too awful.

And not just one. But each time
I awake and fall back to sleep- its another
one… different- but just as bad, sometimes
worse. I can have up to seven different
nightmares a night and they are individual
with varying themes and they cant be
shaken off.

I know its not something I’ve watched-
I’ve never seen anything that comes close
to some of these horrible mind-movies
I have to endure.

And thru out the day- they seem to, like-
haunt me. You know? I mean like its
still with me- like I just woke up from it.
Like it was real and is a memory of an
experience and not a dream.

No- I know they aren’t real. But that is
where it is becoming such an issue lately.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to
REST when this is what is going on
while you are asleep? I’m more tired after
waking than I was when I went to sleep.

I don’t know what can come from writing
about this- other than maybe this will
help… kind of get it out and deal with
it. I may be wrong. But I just think it
must be medication messing with what
is already inside me- but I don’t know
how to put a stop to it.

I don’t want to stop the real dreams that
I may have and need to pass on or help
someone or myself or family. I do want
to stop these dreams because I know they
are not really the ones that are for me.
They are a distraction- and I think maybe
a tool to try to weaken me in some way.
IDK.

I guess pray for me that I’ll figure out
what is causing all of this, or that something
will happen to put a stop to them.

Dear God,

I know you love me. I have no doubt
about that. I confident that you are
always with me. I am thankful and
grateful for the times you have allowed
me to help. I know the bible says
that some will dream dreams or have
visions. I just want and ask for wisdom
in dealing with the dreams that are
coming now. I know you are not
the author or cause of them. I know
you know all things. Help me to learn
what the root of these are. Help me to
come to a peace that I can sleep and
rest and not fall to any attack the enemy
would set for me- even while I sleep.
I ask that you help me and bless me
and surround me with angels as I sleep
and that even in sleep- I not give in
or waiver to what my beliefs are in you.

With love and praise and thanksgiving,
I ask all of this in the name of your son.

And in Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Normal

2009-01-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

Day 53

It’s a funny thing, as I try to
make myself more ‘normal’
or the way I physically lived
my life prior to becoming ill-
that as I go thru the day,
thru the motions of what each
day asks and expects of me-
of each of us, I can see little
glimpses of a former me.

You know? The Joy who
never stopped until she literally
had to drop!(sorry- I felt the
impulse for assonance and had to
just go with it ;)

But I digress…

But its kind of like, but not
exactly, but for the purpose
of illustration and in trying
to convey my feelings in
a way that someone besides
me understands them [wink];

Kind of like when you look
in the mirror and for a moment-
just a moment you may see
one of two things (other than
your own reflection that is):

Now, I know I’m not the
only one this has happened
to. I’ve read about others
having the same experience,
saw it as part of a scene on
a program or movie, even
heard others in real-life/person
discussing it…. (not that I need
a large number of affirmations
to qualify my feelings!) [LOL]

A song that has always meant something
to me… very personal… moving and
affecting. It’s a very old, soul-gospel
song from a few decades past that stands
the test of time, trend and even talent.
I used to sing this song- as a praise,
as a worship for God in sharing how
I feel about my relationship with God.

I’m not familiar with who wrote this
song, who sung the song or any other
details of the song. I simply heard
it on a radio not long after I became
saved as I sat visiting with friends
after church on Sunday afternoon.
if anyone recognizes it- I would be
very grateful for any info about this
that you could pass on to me.

This life
Is much to short
To fool around and loose my soul
The way
Is too hard to find
Without a guide
Along the road
The best move that I ever made
Was when
I found the Lord
And trusted his Word
I may not know what he’s done
For
You
But I can truly say
Jesus brought me thru
And I’m so happy
I singing glor-y
Hall-le-lu-jah!

It ain't easy

2009-01-13T22:08:00.000-08:00

Day 51

Well- the way I’m feeling, I don’t
know what I’m going to end up
saying or journaling. I’m kind of
doing it against my will… like
so many other things lately. I know
that doing this helps me- is like
a therapy. But sometimes a person
has nothing happy/good to say- well,
not that it comes to my mind at
this moment any way.

I look at the number on this entry-
fifty-one. That would be 51 days
since I began this fight- this path-
this journey. Fifty-one days since
I said “never again” to allowing
medications, sickness, pain or
circumstance to be in charge of me.

Fifty-one days… and counting, as
they say. Some days it doesn’t feel
like more than a few days- and
some days (like today) feels like
I’ve felt every day; every hour; every
moment of the voyage to another level.

I guess I just wish the struggle would
lessen. [LOL]

Get me… I’m looking for an easy way!
Yeah- I know there really isn’t any such
thing. But at the same time, a verse
keeps coming to mind. “My yoke is
easy and my burden light” What does
that mean? How does it apply to me-
or to anyone dealing with such a task-
to make your mind ignore your body;
make your body obey your spirit;
make a change, a difference, a trans-
formation.

It has to apply. I always feel that the
word has to apply- somehow, somewhere
it will apply and verify itself.

I can’t get a grasp on this one though.
yoke/easy and burden/light.
This journey of wellness I have started
is anything but. Maybe I’m being too
pessimistic. Maybe there have been
easy times? No. No- there wasn’t and
it continues to be significant in the
effort area.

You know- upon reflection, bible gateway
and a visit (as usual) to the dictionary-
I think I might understand that verse, and
how it could apply to me and others.

Maybe the yoke being easy is simply
referring to the fact that joining or
following God and his ways is not
a burden or a task- that it is easy to
please him and the word. Perhaps
the burden being light is talking about
the fact that God won’t place on us
or ask us to carry any more than
we can in this life.

Revelation? Maybe this applies to
me and others in this or a similar issue
in a way to lets us know that
even though this seems like such
a struggle and a fight daily- that
it is something God knows I (we) can
do- deal with- overcome…. ????

Maybe? Maybe.

Wow. Thank you God! Thank you
for another lesson. I appreciate your
continued hand on my hard, hard head.

Dear God,

I begin first- by saying
THANK YOU FOR THE HEALING
and THANK YOU FOR BETTER
DAYS AHEAD!

Oh my, dear Lord- even when I think
I’m not getting anywhere-
when I think I’m struggling and
flailing about uselessly-
when I feel there is no hope
or good outcome-
you are always, always there;
guiding, helping, advising
and teaching me. You are such
a wonderful father and I thank you.

Please help me to remember what
I have learned on this night. That
Everything I face… is faceable.
Everything I go thru… is possible.
Everything I feel… can be overcome.
Everything that comes against me…
not only has the ability to be defeated-
but will be- in your name- and because
of you. With praise and thanksgiving
In my heart;

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

The Bubble Bath

2009-01-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

Day 48

It all began when I sat up on the
edge of the bed. I could see my
reflection in the dresser mirror
from where I sat. My hair needed
washed- badly. I looked at it as
I considered the various styles that
I could avail myself of that could
possibly hide the fact that it needed
washed- badly. After a few
minutes of the ensuing battle of
wills: those being I need to just
go thru and simply do the quick
action- wash hair and be done?
Take a shower and wash the hair
and be clean? Find a pony-tail holder
and brush and hide the evidence?

Hmmm… I wonder if others have
ever faced the same quandary or
if I’m just a lazy, dirty girl? ;)

Oh well, I thought- I’ll do the
right thing, no matter how much
it kills me! [wink]

Got some clothes and headed
toward the bathroom and talking
to kids as I make my way- I told
them I was taking a shower. They
were going to watch some kind
of marathon on tv, pups were all
ready beginning their first nap of the
day and Bro was at work.

And that is when it happened. I
walked into the bathroom and
the inspiration hit so hard it was
like a mystical encounter. The
tub- there- waiting- calling-
beckoning me to make this
occasion more of an experience.
;)

and so… I listened, and fell
under its watery spell and
quickly (well- ) began to gather
the tools that would soon help
to unleash the experience of
a lifetime. Ok- not of a lifetime,
but certainly of a few years [LOL].

Once all tools were in place-
I turned the faucets of both hot
and cold, making more use of hot than
cold. Towels? Cloth? Pepsi? (yeah)
Door shut? All were ready and
then I began to wildly and carelessly
throw in the elements that the
aqua spirits called for- bath beads!
(the crowd gasps) Bath oil! (ooohhh)
And most importantly-
Mr. Bubble bubblegum scented
Bubble bath! (the crowd is over come)

And then I moved the shower chair
out of the way- caring not where it
landed and stepped into the bubbly,
scented oasis of artificially scented
candy aroma, instantly being transformed
from the 43 year old mother of three
(wife of one :) into a- well, a child.

That’s right- I played in the bath
for an hour!

I soaked and washed and sung….
Sung? Like a song? Yeah- I didn’t
even realize, but I was singing in
the bathtub (I think that is a song
from Warner Bros or something [hee
hee hee]). Any way- later the kids
said, we heard you singing in there-
we couldn’t believe it. One said,
we know your getting better for sure
when you start singing. Another said
I haven’t heard you sing in a long time!
And still another country heard from
(LOL literally)- I didn’t believe it until
I heard it for myself!

Kids.

But back to the soapy, sudsy situation
that I was soaking up…

When the water got cool and I could
begin to see the bottom of the
tub- I pulled the drain and filled er’ up
again- more, more bubbles! In between
those fills and drains… I did it all-
I had bubble a plenty and I used them
too! Bubble beard, bubble mustache,
flying bubbles- what a time I had.

What the heck does this have to do
with my journey to wellness? A lot
actually- a lot.

And for the same reasons that made
this the best time ever.

I was able to get in that bathtub-
unassisted. I was able to wash my
hair and bathe- without tiring. I was
able to lay back and soak- without
concern about whether I was going
to be able to get out again. I enjoyed
myself because I was able to- because
I felt better… am feeling better.

And it absolutely affected the rest
of the day. And about that singing?
I heard kids singing more than once
later on. Singing. I haven’t sung in
a long time. Used to sing all the time;
while driving, cooking, walking-
whatever. But it takes strength and
use of back muscles- takes an
energy to take those breathes and
talk- let alone sing. And today I sung.
I played in the tub as if I had not
a care in the world and I sung.

I’m so thankful for so much. I
would hope that at some point-
everyone would feel well enough,
carefree enough, at peace enough-
to play in the tub and sing…
and enjoy health, wellness,
peace of mind and sound body.

Dear God,

I begin by saying
THANK YOU FOR THE HEALING!

Thank you for what I know you are
doing in my body now. Thank you
for what I know you are about to do.
Thank you for what you have done,
thank you for a future and a hope
of wellness. I praise you for health
and your goodness to me and for
making days were I can feel like
a child and play- I thank you that
I am not where I was a few months
ago- where play, baths, singing
or even getting from the bed were
out of the question. Thank you for
bringing song back to my home-
to my heart- to my body. You are a
way-maker. You are El Shaddai-
the God who is more than enough.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Do it yourself

2009-01-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

Day 47

The day of DIY… and I’m exhausted!

But first things first- today was better than
yesterday, as far as the overall feeling of
blah or yuck- absolutely an improvement.

Sleep came last night after I posted my journal.
I think I slept three hours in a row without
waking- which is a real YEA. Then I lay awake
for awhile and fell back to sleep and slept
(I think) an hour or just over. So I’m thankful
for the sleep. Hoping and looking forward to
more. ;)

I also have a real sick feeling for my meds
at this point. That is no biggie or anything
new. Those moments come and go. Its
when you open you hand to put them all in
your mouth at the same time and if you
think about it too much- you could choke
on them. No- I didn’t choke, but I just
looked at them, thinking- why, why, why,
why? Oh- for the days when the most I
ever had to take was a Tylenol! But- that
isn’t the way it is right now, so- *gulp*

I have to agree with my kid. The family
is more- hmmm, at peace? No- that isn’t
the word. Ah- content. Everyone- the
kids, my hubby (the pups LOL) and
maybe me… seem more content these
days. The constant struggle with issues
and emotions and levels of negative
behaviors from the children seem to
have made a real turn-around. Its
almost hard to believe. I think,
“What the heck happened?” and I
have to realize that the answer is
simple- and slightly painful. Makes
me wonder if I’m the only one
in the world- that was the heart
of the home… and didn’t realize
it. It was me. I was the nucleus
so to speak and without me in
the middle of it all. The magic
didn’t work as it should. Oh,
yeah- things got done. I did
all I could from the bed when I
could. Family came to help out
and hubby did more than his share.

Kids got fed, taught, clothed and
so-on. Pups got cared for, bathed,
trimmed, treated, etc… Laundry
was done (well- usually), dishes
were—they had dishes to eat on.
Most of the clutter was moved out
of the way. [wink]

I guess it’s the presence of the
heart that makes the difference in
a house being a home.

And I think what is it? What about
me can make such a difference in
how the family functions as a unit?

I have to say that this really is an
eye opener for me in a way. Being
so sick and hurting and in pain, not
being able to help myself or anyone
else, laying in a bed day after day
after day- sometimes the thought
comes to your mind: what good am
I? What difference am I making?
How could someone in my position
be missed. No- I wasn’t thinking
of offing myself. Just the feeling of
having no worth or value or reason
for being. I have always needed to
feel like I was- well, needed.

I see now that I am. And my physical
presence was missed- indeed. But I’m
realizing that my emotional/spiritual
presence was missed as well.

I honestly never thought of- didn’t
consider or dream that while on this
journey- a journey to wellness- that
more than my physical body would
be affected. I didn’t. But isn’t it
good when we can seek for one thing
or something specific and benefit
in so many more ways? Achieve a
total healing- eventually any way.

I guess I hadn’t expected that on my
journey… that I would meet-
myself, while on it. How nice-
and how serious the self-discovery
can be at the same time.

But I guess that is when we find
areas that are lacking or not where
they should be- that we can buck
it up and make a change. I’m grateful
for another lesson.

Change subject: about today’s activities;
we all had our own projects we worked
on simultaneously. The double-french
doors that open up to my laundry room
were in shambles. I have no idea how
or why. All I know is that at some point
during the time I was down and not
in charge of the house [LOL] something
happened to the small wooden slats.
Who knows. But a few days ago I told
my oldest why don’t she just remove all
those slats and we’ll leave the frames, so-on.
She had a blast with that let me tell you.
what ever was secure or intact she got
to kick it loose, punch it- you know…
all that destructive violent stuff. [ha ha ha]

Then hubby took her to the store because
I described exactly the type of material
that I wanted and she and he came back
and I was very pleased. Its dark thin plaid
against white background and the material
is really nice. My favorite part was when
they told me it was on sale and they had
the lady cut the panels for me ahead of time!
Woo-hoo. Anyway- today my project was
attaching the material to the back of the doors
with the staple-gun and creating folds and
pleats. I am WAY pleased with the result.
So kitschy.

Missy’s project? Oh brother… to take a pair
of pants that had been ruined by a man
trying to do laundry and accidentally splashing
bleach directly on the legs. She worked
diligently at the kitchen sink bleaching
out these pants. Yeah- they looked pretty
good when she finished.

Next daughter? Had a goal (I don’t know
why) of turning a pair of pants that were
too short for her into a skirt. I showed her
how and she did a wonderful job- she’s
pretty proud.

Son? He wanted no part of any of that-
but needed to practice some spelling words
any way. he wasn’t thrilled with his ‘activity’
but enjoyed the fact that he was surround by
a lot to watch and listen to. At one point
when Teresa went to her bedroom to see
how the skirt was fitting before making any
final changes- he put his pencil down and
paused. I looked to see what it was about
and he said- I’m just hoping I hear a rip!

Boys! He is a real goober. But I admitted
that was pretty funny and laughed with him-
he laughed forever ‘cause he such a little,
um- rascal? [LOL]

We had a great day all around. I’m so
thankful for good memories for me and
the kids. When Bro came home we
almost had dinner finished and we
were already in a movie [wink]. So when
it was ready we ate in the family room
and watched the rest of it and had an
ice cream pie (yay!)

Right now I’m sitting in the family room
by myself. Can you believe it? But I was
in the bedroom. Everyone else was either
asleep, going to sleep or in their room
doing- whatever (don’t want to know)
[ha ha ha]. And I saw Bro was asleep and
to me it was still early. Just after 10:30 pm
and I wasn’t ready to sleep yet. It suddenly
occurred to me that ‘maybe’ some of my
sleeping issues could be due to the fact
that I spend so much time in the bed not
sleeping.

So I said to myself- what did you used
to do when Bro went to bed and you
weren’t ready for sleep? I stayed up-
in the family room- like a big girl.
So I got a few things (and my laptop-
carried it myself), watch some tv,
finished my journal. And as soon as
I’m done with this- I’m going to walk
down the hall to the bathroom and
get ready for bed- and then I’m going
to turn off the tv, turn the lights out
and
go
to
bed.

Dear God,

I begin by saying
THANK YOU FOR THE HEALING!

Thank you so much for helping
me along this journey-
but God, I want to thank you for
helping me in a way that I
wanted to begin the journey-
that I felt I had to begin the
journey. I’m sorry that I didn’t
wake up and begin earlier, but
I also realize that there is a
reason for everything- a time
for everything and that my
time-table is not yours.

I’m thankful for teaching me
about the heart of a home- and
I want and recognize that you
are the heart of my journey.
Help me stay mindful of this
always.

I praise you for my health
being restored and the peace,
contentment and family spirit
being restored to my family
as well.

In Jesus Name, I pray- Amen.

Joy's Journey to Wellness

Getting past the feeling- when the feeling FEELS bigger than you

Who are you: and where is Joy?

Nothing to complain about

Uphill Battle

When the Dynamics are shaken

Validation Anyone?

Appreciation

The unexpected: don't let it catch you off guard

Facing your demons

Even when...

What stands up- sometimes falls down

Never- I'll die with my boots on!

Upon reflection

I'm alive

Sure it hurts...

Like the dog

Sound Off! (Let me hear you nice and loud)

Timing it

Body Talk

Exercise? Uh- lets just stretch

One hundred Eighty-one Days (Part 2)

One hundred Eighty-one Days (Part 1)

HOOAH!

Gardens, Grandmas & Giggles

Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows

Dead Presidents Wife- and what she said

ANNA ELEANOR ROOSEVELTb.1884 -- d.1962

If you can't see it- I guess it's invisible!

The Grieving Process (your lost health)

Ups and Downs (and lefts and rights)

Wet, Weird, Waning and Weary; but still with a Will

Ode to a Family Care-Giver

Sneezes, Breezes and Pleases

Tough Guys

The bad, the good and the tricky

Day of Beauty (Part 2)

Day of Beauty (Part 1)

Journaling when the journal just isn't in you (Part 2)

Journaling when the journal just isn't in you (Part 1)

Finding myself

Thankfullness & Prayers

Voices and Battlefields

Goodbye and Hello

Feelings and the King of Glory

Busting out of the Bubble

Patience

Prayers

Sheets

Climbing the Mountain

Beds, beds, beds

From email to blog

Pills, Open, Swallow, Crash

Sixty days and counting

Life can be good

Dream a little dream

Normal

It ain't easy

The Bubble Bath

Do it yourself

ANNA ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
b.1884 -- d.1962